subway rat

So i am at Jessicas now for the second night in a row. I slept here last night and because its such a packed apartment i only ended up going to bed at 3:30... I then had to wake up at 6 am to watch her baby Zane as he always gets up earlier than everyone else. I am running on empty lately. i have to do the same thing tomorrow morning so i am praying for sleep a little earlier. It is fun here despite the lack of sleep because there's always people around and Jessica's friend Lars, who I met last year is here, has been down for about a week and he is staying longer and we always have the best chats about movies and music and random stuff...we stay up till 2 am exchanging songs on our macs so its kinda fun here. I'm not alone and I think that's the key point. I find the more time i spend alone the more dismal and sad my life becomes.I start to question things too much. It is really hard trying to live in a city where nobody knows anything about you... you begin to long for those friends back home. The friends that know exactly what your shampoo smells like, what kind of socks you typically wear or what part time job you worked while in high school. all those things SEEM trivial but those are the exact things that individualize us and its nice having people around who know them about you. I guess it's also fun having a blank canvass to paint a new self portrait for people to see, but there really is no place like home. For now I am keeping busy and surrounded but i do miss my buds.
I had a job interview at a cool restaurant called Butterfield8 in midtown.. its kinda crunched in between a bunch of corporate buildings....it went SO well but the same problem is my lack of citizenship. I have to morph into the con i once was.
I also went to the union square movie theatre at 3:30 to see the 4:30 viewing of revolutionary road... i walked all the way across town between the wet flow of huge fluffy snowflakes and the damn thing was sold out. somebody doesnt want me to see this movie. I ended up going toStarbucks at Astor place instead to read a book Jessica lent me called "go ask Alice"... My reading was a tad distracted as this really WACKED out guy was sitting a few seats down from me and i think he was having a bad trip. He was talking to himself, pretending to be handicap and coughing up phlegm... it was sick... everyone around me was in awe... we were all looking to each other for answers as to what the hell was going on.... but at the end of the day ya gotta just duck your head down and remember its NYC... anything goes! rats in the metro stations, people shoulder to shoulder in Grand Central and taxis rubbing their bumpers on anything and everything.
today i was walking through grand central to go to my interview and this strange but really great feeling came over me. for once in my life i felt something i have never felt before but WISHED i would. I felt like the world was happening around me rather than me happening around the world. I felt like I was moving inside of new york city. I had aqueous transmission playing in my headphones and i honestly felt like i was floating around the crowd in my own world. I didn't care what was going on around me or who was looking or what i bumped into... i was living... i guess you could say i felt present... and on my own terms. i loved it. I want to feel like that everyday. Like everyone esle I'm always worried about being scrutinized but i think that is fading. Today felt like it was my day...but fact is everyday is my day.... i just have to learn to feel it.

less serious melodramatic matters to report Ive added hundreds of songs to my itunes collection. I raided Jessicas collection and ripped them onto my comp. Van Morrison, Phish,Kravitz, Steely Dan, Clapton, young, grateful dead... tons and tons... I'm pumped to become a music junkie... all the greats... im way too contemporary in taste.
my posting is boring today. go read something by Dr.Suess to counteract the boringnes of todays posting.

I love you all and to all a good night!

p.s... im pissed because i typed in "subway rat" in yahoo images to get a picture of the rats the roam around on the rails and this hilarious picture of some homely looking girl came up... but whats funny is she was posing as though she looked cute and stylish. I couldnt stop laughing... haha... this poor girl is leaning up all sexy against the wall in the metro station and the subtitle of the photo is subway rat... AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA!!! HAHAHAHHA!!! 

I'm mean...