huh

since the last post i've...

gotten a job...

met a boy

moved into a new apartment...

briefly reconnected with estranged father...

suffered lack of interest in the universe...

got more serious with boy...

watched the band of brothers series...

got even more serious with boy...

started painting...

wrote more music...

dropped a waist size...

debated going back to school...

longed to be back in New York...

spent time with friends...

spent even more time with boyfriend...

got a new job...

I guess I can keep going until this list becomes boringly long but instead I will simply say that it has been a slow and alarmingly fast 5 months. Slow because nothing HUGE has happened in my life and fast because I revived myself quicker than expected and have adopted some changes that make me wonder where the time went. For instance... I am now in a relationship that happened so fast I can't even explain its birth. 

I think about new york every single day and I image what it would be like to be back there. I picture the streets I walked down every morning and I suddenly love the neighborhood I once hated. It always goes like that. Have something taken away and suddenly the desire to have it back swells and swells and almost starts to sting a little. A LOT actually. I miss new york so much it hurts!

but here I am... in Canada... in toronto.... in my apartment... wondering how the hell i got here and where the hell i'm going....

c'est la vie

one stop shop

Currently in my dark windowless room listening to my roommate have sex with her boyfriend. I've given up on being mad over this. I happen to reside in a home that was not built on the architectural principal of noise prevention. Thus, I am forced to sit in on the sexual escapades happening on the other side of the wall... not to mention months and months of having my sleep constantly thrown into confusion, my privacy inadvertently invaded and I myself inadvertently invading the privacy of others. The good news is I am moving out very soon into an air conditioned apartment in a high rise for 1 month. My room will be quite barren for said month as I am not bringing any furniture with me... but this is the price I pay to reside in 3 different cities in less than 1 year. BARRENNESS! Oct 1 should hopefully find me in a better place with something more permanent but for now I flap in the wind.

I was lucky to have been invited to a very fancy-schmancy dinner party Friday night that I myself could never co-ordinate even if spoon fed instructions as clear as paint by numbers. I simply lack the desire to entertain large amounts of people. My friend, however, is moving to New York (ouch!... tiny stab to the gut) not to mention turning the ripe old age of 23 so this called for celebration! Her parents were kind enough to lend their home to us and what a home it was. Winding staircases, contemporary art... SAUNAS. The home I grew up in would have looked like the storage garage had it have been built adjacent. But thats not the point of my story. It's the journey TO the dinner party that stands out most for me. It begins with my menstrual cycle (ew, did she say menstrual cycle?). Being forcefully attacked by PMS I stressed out about what to wear to this dinner party because honestly I have been putting my wardrobe by the boards as of late and own nothing all that pleasing to the eye. My eye anyways... which is all that matters! This being said I took a stroll down queen street and bought myself an outfit. Its quite cute (had to chop off my left arm and leg for it, but I always wanted to ride in an electric wheel chair so it balanced out. Plus I can ride in a cute outfit ). I ran home, peeled myself out of my daily attire consisting of ripped jeans and a t-shirt, morphed into someone who looks like she has a remote sense of style then flew out the door. Once I finally made it to the TTC I got on northbound and had to stand for the first few minutes... a seat finally freed up beside an elderly gentleman so I shoved some people in the abdoman, karate chopped a blind man and launched myself into the seat before anyone else could. Within seconds the man turned to me in his kind raspy broken and old sounding voice and said "I would like to compliment you on your outfit, where most women these days parade around in ripped jeans and a t-shirt, you actually took the time to apply some style.) I of course just acted as though dressing that well was a daily occurrence all the while laughing in my head. He continued to talk and eventually delivered some useful information. Two pieces of sound advice I will now pass on from a man pushing 90 and on his way home from the gym. 1. "never lose the boy or girl in you" 2. "Live in the moment, forget what may exist in an hour or a week from now, rather, enjoy the small moments as they come". AMEN! I replied. Though I have not the slightest interest in religion... it just sounded agreeing. He then spoke of his career as a writer and his published works etc then ran off quickly in order not to miss his stop. He waved me off as my train slowly drove away and I smiled at both the pleasure in meeting him and the satisfaction of having purchased something actually nice. The women who stabbed ribs to get his seat started talking to me as well and thats when I knew I had to go shopping more often!

Brown in town

Why do I feel like being intelligent is in affliction? Maybe being ignorant really is bliss? 

It's 9:46 p.m and I think I am going to go buy myself a box of dark brown dye for my hair. I have not slept very much over the last 5 days as I have been drinking unreasonable amounts of liquor and celebrating life in a manner in which I don't believe to be typical of most 22 year old women. I am, however, not ashamed nor regretful of my actions I am rather more intrigued as to what it is that makes me happy about all this...or if it even makes me happy at all. Is it the drinking? I really don't think so. Then what is it?  For one, I am unsure of how I feel about the people I live with and my job gives me the same sort of sensations one might experience while watching a clock alone in a tiny monochromatic room filled with nothing but air. I have been writing a lot of music lately but nothing I feel proud enough of to put on formal display. This being said, I am need of elevation and change. This is why I am heading on the College street car to pursue a box of dye. 

9:53 p.m- Exhausted, somewhat delerious and even more so determined...I am heading off.

11:02- Home! In possesion! Getting in comfy clothes and putting on Noah and the Whale. i think they might eventually be my favorite band!

11:17- Dye no longer in its plastic container, instead... it is on my head...wrapped around every strand of hair I have...

While I wait for this toxic dye to annihilate my blond strands I guess I can try to explain this sudden urge. I say try to explain because I don't expect anyone to understand. It all started when I downloaded Wes Andersons "The Royal Tenenbaums". I watched it tonight for the first time. I fell in love with the characters and their individual personalities. I love idosyncratic intense behavior and complete radical acts of passion. It excites me the same way flowers excite my mother. I sometimes wish I was more into flowers myself, flowers seem easier... but since I just don't see the appeal in a traling vine I downloaded one of the most eccentric movies of my time. There is one scene where Luke Wilsons character shaves his head in an act of loveless rage. He shaves off all his hair and then subsequently shaves his beard off. I figured since he could do it so could I. I don't have a beard, but I do have unnaturally colored hair... so here I am 11:29 sitting on my bed with a soaking wet head and the promise for change!

11:30- Going to rinse as directed. I am out of my mind. Or just in touch with it? hmmm...

11:31- just realized I can't tell time. 10 more minutes. 

12:21- blow dried and newly dyed! It looks awesome. I really like it. I do. Of course I am going to want it blonde again come the next solar eclipse but I am glad to have something new to look at in the morning! It'll be shocking for the first little while but like everything, I will get used to it.

I miss new york a lot. I had to mention that because its always on my mind. 

As for the rest of my life well, I am having fun... making mistakes...learning from those mistakes...making them over again... and then learning a lesson even harder. I'm not much of a sponge when it comes to lessons but rather I am the lesson itself. Does that make any sense? Does to me... I think....

I am going to play around online a little. Maybe read up on whats happening in politics... I can't keep up these days. Obama has us all spinning....

night! xo

I started watching this Documentary called "Home" by Yann-Arthus Bertrand. Fantastic.... "The documentary chronicles the present day state of the Earth, its climate and how we as the dominant species have long-term repercussions on its future. A theme expressed throughout the documentary is that of linkage—how all organisms and the Earth are linked in a "delicate but crucial" natural balance with each other, and how no organism can be self-sufficient"- Wikipedia

i wouldnt have known that the bulk of China's infrastructures that make it the megalopolis that it is today only erected over the past 50 years. My grandmothers child hood did not include the immense chinese culture that we know today as one of the largest cities in the world. The city is guzzling our natural resources at a speed in which nature cannot keep up. This evolution is not beneficial for anyone, not even the mega billionaires at the top of the capitalistic food chain. You can't do much with your money when everything you have known is under water or frozen over. anyways... anyone interested in that sort of thing really aught to take a couple of hours to check out this Doc. Well worth the time.

Anyone not interested needs to pull his/her head out of his/hers' ass....

On an aside: Toronto is great... falling more in love with it as these summer days go on. Making some new friends that I absolutely love and its very refreshing. Saw metric at blues fest, The dead whether at Horse shoe and some other great bands during north by north east. I also flew to Vancouver to reproduce "lonely Me" with producer Jeff Dawson. The city was absolutely beautiful. On my last morning I walked down by the beach and watched the clouds. Mountains, ocean, sailboats... What a clean, tranquil place. Wouldnt mind living there one day. 

First I have to see AFRICA and the British Isles and Jamaica and JAPAN! So much on my agenda... let's hope I get dealt the right hand... or else I'll have to make my own playing cards ;)

over and out

i got the CHOP

I got rejected from entering the United States last night. I am doing all I can not to fall apart. It is times like these that really test my ability to persevere.  I honestly did not expect something like this to happen to me. I was far too confident and naive and I ended up paying the royal price for it. Not only am I stuck in Canada with all my belongings in New York, I am now no longer allowed into the united states without filing for a waiver which costs 595 $ and takes 160 days to process for approval. I am a complete mess over this. I have so many friends in New York. I made myself a happy life there over the last little while and the entire empire is now crashing down before me. It is all so far out of my control too. I simply CANNOT go back. All I have left is my memories and all this electronic communication. I hate electronic communication although I almost love it just the same. It keeps me in touch, but in touch on such a cold almost anonymous level. All of a sudden I am identifying people by Times New Roman or Comic Sans. Its sad.

I cant argue the situation either, which I am by and large pretty good at. I am wholly responsible for my unlawful conduct within the united states and my artless ruse on the Government now has the walls of my circus tent caving in.

EFF

My next move is to surf the couches of Ottawa for awhile until I get my belongings back from NYC. From there I supposed Ill move to Toronto. I just do not see a better option. 

Its all about the music. Lest I forget the music, the HOLY GRAIL. Bane of my existence all the same. Why couldnt I be passionate about something that actually feels attainable.

DAMN

back out into the wilderness to chop down trees of a different soil...

-Munn

i knowww i knowww.. this drags on

I realize weeks have gone by with nary a new post but I have been busy with work and play and have not found myself in much of a blogging mood really. There has been so much going on in my life here in New York and I am so lucky for these moments. Despite the worry and constant anxiety I love my life and I try to remind myself of that in moments when I might overlook my fortune. It is easy to slip into selfishness and greed and i have been known to seek for more when more is not needed but these days I am learning to savor each minute in each hour. Sounds cheesy but its actually an important lesson. I am working like dog at my job and have not been working on my music much but this Friday I am scheduled to meet with a guitar player and if all goes well we will start a project of our own. I really just want to play shows here in the city. That is what I am itching to do! I have been spending many weekends with Giles and some other friends I have made here in the city. We frequent Bua which is a bar on St.Marks a few blocks from my place. It seems that every time I go there I see a handful of people I know so its always a good time and as summer approaches the outdoor patio will serve its purpose well. We had a week of constant sun and it felt amazing drinking my corona with the rays on my face. I also got to go to the beach last weekend on long island. My boss has a beach house on the ocean and it was absolutely fucking beautiful. A bunch of us drove out there and played football, volleyball and had a big BBQ and bonfire. I could not have designed the day better myself. Fuck I am lucky. I live in the coolest neighborhood I made some amazing friends and I actually have a job I do not mind going to. I am SO lucky!

I am going to Miami to meet up with Danielle and Katie and when I see them I am going to hug them with an unrelenting grip. I miss them so much and CANNOT wait to be with them on the beach. I wish all my friends from Canada could come but I am going home the weekend after so no one will be able to escape my desire to BEAR HUG them! My little Brit Brit is going to get it the worst because I don't think I hugged her enough in our lifetime as best friends so Ill have to combine all the hugs we never had into one giant choke hold!  As for my mom... lets just say i'll hug her till shes blue in the face... :)

I have also been listening to KEXP and John in the morning from 9-12 every morning and it is amazing for discovering new music. I love the radio station and it actually streams online so for those of you who LOVE music the way I do and can appreciate a good source go to www.kexp.org and listen in on the morning show. Its mind blowing how much this DJ knows about music and there is an entire world of music to be discovered with the help of his morning show.

I am anxious to check out some cool exhibits happening this summer. Will blog if one is cool enough. Maybe even take some pictures. I do not take enough pictures but that has a lot to do with insecurity. I fear being pegged as a tourist so I avoid any illusions. I keep my camera tucked away... but i don't want to be a victim of my fear anymore haha... more pictures will be taken.

I watched Donnie Darko for the first time and LOVED it! I need a Donnie Darko in my life!

I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and spent A LOT of time with him as he lives on the same street but things sort of spiraled out and we are slowly fading. He just is not the person for me but its fun having someone so I hung on to it until everything just got too frustrating for the two of us. I am not ruling out the idea of just being very casual but I have just never been good at that. I get too attached too quickly. I was VERY lucky in my first romance and had an amazing boyfriend who treated me extraordinarily well so I only have that to compare other men to. I want to learn to be comfortable alone. I think I am pretty much there but I do admit I am anxious to fall into an infatuation. I love the feeling of wanting someone and having them around. Hardly ever happens because I have set my standards unreasonably high... but this is a massive city and I never know what to expect. I actually stopped expecting anything because expectations consistently lead to let downs. 

I am digressing huh?

let me just say AGAIN that I am SO lucky. I miss everyone and am anxious to return to canadian soil for a visit in a few weeks. I never visit long enough.

hope everyone else is feeling lucky in their lives like I am and if you arent it is simply because you are missing the point. Step out of yourself...float above your existance and look down on it with a discerning eye :)

tomorrow i'll feel like shit and be ungrateful again but for now this is great. I always feel elated when i'm hung over. It does not make much sense....

KEEP IT REAL! hah! x0

sunday fun day

i am a terrible grocery shopper. I think a good grocery shopper actually premeditates what they want before their shopping trip in order to save on not only time but the pain and agony of contemplation. Sharp cheddar or mild cheddar? Whole wheat or honey oat? Cheerios or corn flakes? All these questions are normal to have whilst shopping but I think knowing the answer BEFORE embarking saves from that inevitable 5 minute inner dialogue one will have while standing before a vibrant wall of cereal boxes. Maybe it's just that I can never decide exactly what the BEST choice is for me. I hate when I get home and regret 85% of my purchases. I don't even like sharp cheddar, but the packaging wreaked fog over my common sense. I am now trying to play around with my mental and physical relationship to sharp cheddar hoping mind really is over matter. I love grocery shopping late at night. I like doing things during irregular hours. I enjoy watching the different people come in and out, most with a plan, in and out... others stopping to pick up and examine everything on the shelf. I love the people who stand and read the gossip magazines. they get their fill of the 'high life' and feel a little better when they read about celebs at their all time lows. "Ah, YES...Jessica Simpson has a little weight issue, now I don't feel so bad for this ice cream that is currently melting in my bag". Everyone loves to see the people at the top topple over.  I think those people really aren't at the top anyways. What is the top really? Who makes that call? Does the top symbolize the summit of sheer contentment? If not, then why does everyone feel like they have to be there? Let me decide what the top is in my OWN life thanks. As far as I am concerned I AM at the top!!! I of course do not believe a word I am saying here but it would be so nice if for just one day I could have the sort of optimism. "king of the hill, top of the heap"

I was watching two mexican guys play a few tunes on the 4 train today and I started wondering where they learnt to play like that. One was on an organ and the other was playing guitar and they were really good. Where do they convene when it's time to have practice and more importantly what resources are they using to teach themselves these skills? They are without question talented people and I do not think there is enough credit given where credit is deserved. They probably do not make more than 5 or 10 dollars an hour (generously speaking). I can't even fantasize about what it would be like to stand before a somber group of people riding the train to work and request that they give you money. It's quite disparaging. Never the less these people might actually love what they are doing which is a far cry from most employees of midtown new york. 

St.Patricks Day at work was absolutely insane. The OverLook has been open for 5 years and I was informed yesterday that this St.Pat's day was the highest grossing sales in the history of the restaurant. I can believe it too. I has to weave through 75 people every time I wanted to serve one of my tables. Firemen and girls who wanted attention from the firemen just littered the main floor. I ended up giving in to my inner irish man and I started sharing some drinks with some of my tables. I ended up drinking more than my body could handle at the time and sure enough by 12:30 I was kicked out. HAHA. Kicked out of my own restaurant. Luckily I work for some pretty cool people who only laughed at me for it and gave me the "employee of the month" title as a result. It's that kind of mentality that motivates me to do my job better :)

My album is officially for sale on itunes which excites me in the midst of all this dormancy! 6.99 and 7 songs will fall into your itunes gracefully. DO IT! I am writing more and more as I go but considering I work 60 + hours in 5 days its a little difficult to get it all done. I had a great time on the weekend with Giles. Went out sat.. ended up at Crocodile lounge at 2:00 a.m where they dish out free pizza with every beer. I'm talking personal pan pizza too... not just some lousy slice. GOOD pizza too. It was a friggen dream. I also continued my sunday funday tradition of going to Pianos down in the lower east side. I love it in there. Theres a lounge a bar and a room that showcases stand up comedy and various bands. its my new fave place. We also had a chance to catch lunch on a patio at Bua. A really cool bar/resturant right in my village. Sundays are my fave day of the week. It's official!

I don't want to get boring but let me just say I am glad I am keeping busy with work because I get increasingly lonely. Bearing in mind that every time my loneliness heightens so concurrently does my excitement for this city. that is what makes me Libra. BALANCE!

wine tasting

exhibit visiting

beer drinking

block wandering

book reading

music writing

people watching

mind boggling

life contemplating

self discovering

network building

skin thickening

this is what I do it all for....

kings of Leon

Here are some pics from Kings of Leon at Madison Square Garden. 

I met some really great australian girls who won a sony contest and got a 4 days 3 night trip to New York. They were obviously in good spirits... look at my little hairs standing up... thats what lead singer does to me... haha... 

zesty mart

So below I posted a picture of the view from my apartment. You can't see it in the picture but just to the right there is the Williamsburg bridge which looks beautiful lit up a night. I also took some close up pictures of the 1969 "IT" print that is on my bedroom wall. :)

where have I been? I've been here. I have just not been in the blogging state of mind. I don't know what state my mind HAS been in but I do know that state has changed with various contributing factors including red wine and shots of Patrone. The problem with working in two different restaurant/bars is that the alcohol comes free and by the barrel. 

Last Friday I partied till 7:30 in the morning. This Thursday 6:30 in the morning. I can't keep up this lifestyle or i'll be out before i ever make it in. 

I plan to catch up on sleep. I really do.

The album is done. Will be up on itunes soon. The website is constantly being improved and the compost still exists in my kitchen.

i also came home wasted and ambitious friday morning and decided it would be clever to drag  box of used books from the hallway into my room. someone left them there for the taking the day before and i had a secret urge to claim them. I couldnt do it sober so when i came home drunk it was a no brainer. My roommate woke up and came out of her room in sheer confusion. I was so drunk I just looked at her and side hi in a really slurry high pitched voice. I was trying to use her bike to keep the door open so i could drag the books in but that was not working well so she obviously woke up. She thinks im nuts. That is for certain. 

did some private room karaoke, went to see two lovers at an indie movie theatre in the village ( my cell phone went off at the most intimate moment in the film...EMBARRASSING) and I played some pin ball at hi-fi... not to mention the 49057205 hours of work per week. I really have not been up to anything remarkable. I will post when that day comes... as for right now I am just not in the mood...

I miss my friends a lot

I miss my balcony

I miss mother nature

I DON'T miss Zesty mart

and most of all I miss my sanity... but i've been missing that for years.

"all ashore who goes to shore!"

Jena

run away

oh to be young again. As I walked down home stretch (the last block where my apartment becomes visible in the distance) I saw these two young boys chortling behind their hands and looking at one another as though they just discovered neverland. They closed the door carefully behind them and for a brief moment I felt the wave they were on...I tapped into the rush of being out in the free world, the unknown. I wish I could have told them all my 22 years of wisdom before they set sail down the wave of Loisaida but I think they will soon discover that there really is no place like home and when they do they will turn around. I remember sneaking out of the house as a kid almost just for the satisfaction of knowing that I could. I never liked the feeling of not being able to make my own decisions. Maybe that is part of the reason I packed my bags and moved to one of the dirtiest, loneliest and most impenetrable cities in the world; simply because I wanted to know I could! 

I am extremely into Richard Linklater right now and I can't stop watching "The waking life". Its the finest philosophy out there. It's definitely not dry and the cinematography is an art in itself. I definitely think it's worth the viewing for anyone interested in the human condition.  It's heavy... but so is the burden of the unexamined life. You choose!

As of me and my life. I have been in this weird state over the last 2 weeks. I am not sure if its lack of sleep or not but I am in a constant daze. Almost outside of myself. I feel like I am just hacking away at the days... in hopes that one day my carvings will turn into a great monument!

I am working 2 jobs and one requires me to work doubles so there are days I either go from 1 job to the other or I work 12-14 hours in one shift and after awhile that begins to take a toll. 

Days are long, nights are lonely, future is ambiguous... sometimes I think I may have taken a leave from my senses... but I have no regrets. it's all for the music!

What amazes me is the way the past was so relevant and weighty when it was the present, but as soon as it became the past it became something to laugh at. Does that make sense? It's as though I spent all my time worrying about never getting those things that I want but in retrospect I had everything I needed. I have to remember that for today and tomorrow and the rest of my life. Sometimes the here and now is the pinnacle of happiness but never gets acknowledged that way because the fear of the future trumps it. i dont know. what do i know?

Garbage picker

This is a news paper from 1969. Why don't our prints still look as visually appealing? Maybe they had less news back then...

This is a melange of various CD covers on my wall. 

So I have been acquiring random bedroom decorations and furniture. I now have a radio, table and floor lamp. None of which cost me a single penny. I found the table in my hallway. People tend to put their garbage in the hall free for the taking. I walked past the pile of christian books and bibles but as soon as I saw this hardly used table I knew it had to be mine. I initially left it there because there was someone in the hall and I felt embarrassed but I gave it a minute or two and shot back down the elevator to claim my prize. It fits perfectly in my room and makes for a great computer station. My CD player rocks too. This lifestyle is really teaching my to appreciate all the things that were so readily at my disposal before. I really had more than I needed. Now something as simple as a free table gets me excited!

as for what ive been up to... hmm..

bought some party provisions and had giles over saturday night. we went to a club in the meatpacking district called tenjune. it was fun but a little too posh for the mood we were in. I totally respect a good pub or dive. The people are just much more interesting and down to earth. We waited in line to get into this busy diner at 4:30 in the morning and once we got out table we waited another 15 mins till we decided fuck it...lets go get a 2 dollar slice of pizza. I only got home at 5 am and woke up to my roomie cleaning the apartment at 9:30 a.m. I was in a terrible mood all day so I kept to myself. I went to a cool coffee shop on Bowery and just enjoyed the 14 degrees weather. I then came home and worked on some music. tired to sleep but the peircing paid of my wisdom tooth coming in wouldnt allow it.

I now have to go start a new job tonight at 5:30. I HATE starting new jobs but I LOVE working so this way I will have two jobs and I will be too busy to complain :)

My myspace page is being updated daily and I think things will be wrapped up soon with the album. EXCITING! 

I am going to go chug some grape to get my all riled up for tonight's debut.

economy woes

''Time for the cobras to hiss on the uppermost levels, for the nettle to jostle the patios and roof-gardens, 'for the Market to crash in a pyramid of moss, time for the jungle lianas that follow the rifles soon, soon enough, ever so soon. Woe to you, Wall Street!''- Lorca- "Dance of Death.
hehe. Lorca was a famous poet who moved from Madrid to New York City and experienced the stock market crash of 1929.

I wonder what poet is going to rear his lyrical head and illustrate through prose the consequential ruination of this twenty-first-century plight? Maybe Andy Warhol will conjure an exhibition of some sort to regurgitate the current economic decline with wit and taste? After all, we only have ourselves to blame so why not laugh in the face of our greed or our ignorance... dependent on which side of the spectrum we are on. Any wealthy American should concede to money-grubbing while I think most middle or lower class Americans are just plain ignorant. There is always a grey area and never a sure answer but as I rifle through the population the lack of employment and waning economy becomes more tangible and I am beginning to wonder who is REALLY responsible?

Mexican cream

whats cool about today....right now... is that I am sitting OUTSIDE at a coffee shop. At a cute little table in the sun, winter jacket at home. It's beautiful outside. I feel like I have to take advantage of this while it is here. On the down side it smells like the city is one giant easy bake oven cooking up a melange of dog shit, garbage and underground sewage. I just try not to breathe. Like most days of my life.

You know, lately ive been thinking a lot about a lot... and a lot is not fun to think about because it gets to be a lot. A lot of people would agree. A lot of the time, a lot should just be ignored and a little should be embraced. The other night it was our 3 year anniversary at work. A bunch of us were done our shifts so we hung out by the bar and drank. Even the managers were doing shots with us! I ended up getting way more drunk than expected and loved every minute of it. Myself and about 5 other girls then went down to the East Village to hit up a late night diner and I unfortunately ate the grossest nachos known to man. I was so drunk I was dipping my nachos in mexican cream instead of sour cream. hahaha. At one point i was dipping my nacho into NOTHING ... the TABLE TOP. One of the girls noticed and immediately called me out leaving me with no excuse but to just admit my extreme level of intoxication. 

it was a great night!

then LAST night at work was the super bowl and the same sort of thing went down minus majority of the staff. Rather is was myself, a few girls i work with, one of the girls' parents and a bunch of British people on their last day of vacay. After the steelers took home the win the place cleared out we drank and danced in the restaurant to a slew of classic oldies. It was such a good time We all lined up and did the can can to NEW York NEW YORK. And that my friends classifies as the little that goes unnoticed in the middle of a lot. I am lucky to have met and made some great friends at my new job and I am looking forward to getting to know them all more.

We actually have our holiday staff party tonight. I'm sure its going to be a mess of a time. I unfortunaely lost my keys last night and stood out front of my apartment ringing the buzzer for 30 minutes at 2:30 in the morning. I rang every single apartment in a drunken rage till someone finally buzzed me in the building. I then marched up 6 flights and knocked incessantly on my door to no avail. I accepted defeat and called jacquie who i work with and happens to live 2 blocks away. Jacquie and I got well acquainted after we had dinner and drinks friday night and by 10 oclock she was too drunk to stand so we got in a cab and went home. I would have liked to stay out but i am a good friend. Anyways, so jacquie lives 2 blocks away and I ended up just sleeping at her house. We stayed up wailing Sia and eventually fell asleep listening to spoon. I got a mere 3 hours of sleep as I had to get up at 8 in the morning and walk across town to meet Miranda and get new keys made. I have yet to go back to sleep and DO plan on attending holiday party. Lets see how that goes...

Merry Warm Day in February everyone :)

The compost

I'm tired. i'm going to start with that. every single night now, despite what I did during the day, I get home and stay awake till 3 am on my laptop doing absolutely nothing. My bed is not comfortable at all, my room is completely void of anything decorative or welcoming and I'm always either too hot or too cold. Even when I do fall asleep at 3, without fail I wake up at 5 and throw my body around into a million different positions until I finally hit oblivion again. Alas, my roommate is up at the crack of dawn and makes noise similar to what it might sound like if we tried to pack the entire city of new york in our front hall. Either that or my apartment is toy story but rather than toys its my pots and pans that come to life? I should dig up some old Alex Mac DVD's and plan an investigation?

As for what i've been up to...well, sadly not a whole lot. I went to the bitter end on Sunday... alone... and watched the singer songwriter session. I had 2 free beers on the house and was bombarded by some nervous guy but the intrusion came with a free beer so I endured the senseless conversation to be nice. I also got up and sang a little tune with the house band but I was rustier than a nail lodged in the gutter of a haunted house. I honestly NEED to get to singing again. That was the great thing about living on my own... my apartment in ottawa, in comparison to this one i'm in now, was like Jasmin's palace and I had the liberty to do whatever I wanted.  I wailed alicia keys day and night in that apartment. Now I curl up in a tiny ball on a bed of springs with headphones on. it's mildly depressing. I also went to see revolutionary road... alone... and it was really good. I walked all the way home from union square without even realizing it because I was in such deep thought. I just barreled my way down the avenues in the brisk cold wondering how all our lives got so systematic? We are all so restrained by borders. Macro and Micro. The Macro being our governmental borders... municipal, provincial, national... obviously we are constrained in that regard. I can't even get a WORK visa in this city and I live 8 hours away. Then theres the micro borders of society. We constrain ourselves by relationships, jobs, family and housing. We get stuck in these tiny little bubbles. We work so much we are constrained by our fatigue. We have deadlines, bills, debt and doubt...all of which constrain us. Very few see beyond that. Many live cyclical lives where these borders go unnoticed and seem natural. They blend in with the general meaning of life. But since when should life be so SMALL? We literally have down to the minute deadlines on a regular basis. Down the the SECOND. "Have that report to me by Friday midnight" "Pay your bill by the 5th at 2:59 pm". There are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour and 24 hours in a day. 7 days a week, 54 weeks a year and we live our lives worrying about milliseconds in a solitary day. I honestly do not think this is that way we were meant to live. We are slaves to the corporation. I can't stop dwelling on that. That is depressing to write about so i'm sure it's even more depressing to read about so I will move on to the compost!

The compost is simple, yet so COMPLEX. The compost is exactly what it is...a COMPOST but what separates this compost for other typical composts is that this particular COM-POSTE is smack dab in the middle of my apartment and it's in the from of an over sized plastic JAR. Why there is a need for a compost in the middle of an apartment the size of a master bedroom I do not have the answer to. Where this compost is emptied, I do not know. I am personally petrified to open the thing up in fear of what might jump out. I do not want to be attacked by a moldy eggshell or a flying zucchini saucer. In other news apartment related my house mate decided to put up a little piece of "art" on our otherwise completely WHITE walls. Below is both the compost and the new art. I am livin LARGE!

I was supposed to go to Kings of Leon tonight with Noah from live 88.5. He had free tix and was planning on coming to stay here in NY with me a few days in my compost artsy palace... BUT... like fate always has it... a massive blizzard coated the entire province of ontario causing cancellations across the board. Now two tickets are going to WASTE because the sky pissed snow all over the place.

I will say, in the midst of all this melancholoy I have embraced a temporary remedy. The office! If comedy is art, Steve Carell is Van Gogh. I love that show and the cast of the office have become my new best friends. Sad hahaha

R-A-N-T

Your either a conformist to the conformists, or a non-conformist to the non- conformists. I really see nothing in between. We all get satisfaction NOT by pleasing ourselves, but my gaining the reverence and acceptance from others. If life was once about survival it is not anymore. Survival has taken the back seat to the longing for favorable reception of society. What is a society anyways? According to the dictionary Society is; "The aggregate of people living in a more or less ordered community." This notion does not seem flawed, however, over time the meaning of "ordered community" has been tremendously skewed. With advertisements, the starbucks and wal-marts of the world and with branding... we have all become sheep; Our Shepherd, the corporation! I just see less and less individuality and I can't help but question who or what is responsible. We seem to be measured NOT by our intelligence or kindness but instead by our net-worth and our ability to comply with the latest trends. Nobody questions the American dream because that would go against the keynote. Obtaining the American dream is to not have to ever question its validity. Children, a house, two cars and green grass. It all sounds so GOOD, but the absolute bullshit we have to go through to get there devalues the entire hypothesis. Why then, do we do it? What seems to have happened is that over time the evolution of society has conditioned the majority into believing that their happiness can be found inside the conglomorate world. Instead of searching for what makes us happy we instead DECIDE that specific things make us happy because they have to in order to survive inside the traditions of society. I mean, really ask yourself... who in their right mind actually LOVES selling jewelery. It just does not make sense that anybody can find happiness in trying to convince another person so spend money on a lump of pressed coal. Life should not work that way. We worship people we have never met instead of our own mothers, we wear clothing that costs enough money to feed a family for an entire month and we let other people decide whether or not we fit in someplace in the world. As far as I am concered there is NO fitting it. Not once person is doing this right not one person is doing this wrong... we are all just doing it as it comes and this is a frame of mind that should undulate amongst the people. I loathe the monetary system, I have no appreciation for style and I believe judgement is the weakest act of human behavior. 

This rant of mine is born out of societal ignorance. I just feel like nobody really knows who they are unless they are told. We all decide whether or not we like somebody not based on where they have been or what they believe in but rather what they can offer and whether or not their shoes match their handbag. It could be my own self conscious delusions? Maybe i'm just paranoid that I am constantly being sized up by the blue-blooded crowds of New York but I just feel this negative vibration sometimes and I cant help but wonder what cradles this animosity? It's as though we are all fighting for a place to belong and are forgetting that there is more space on this earth than people and theres no need to push and shove. Spread out... it's easy if we try. Ignorance in this case is not bliss...it's just over crowded egocentricity. 

haggard old ladies

You know we all spend a lot of time worrying about other peoples lives instead of our own. Okay, maybe not "we all"...maybe just me? I have this terrible habit of wondering what other people are up to. I watch people in coffee shops and on the train and I try to imagine where they are going and what their lives consist of. I usually imagine they have a life of great substance and affluence, but the reality of the reality IS...we're all starving for something we don't have. A small percentage of us can attest to being TRULY and wholly satisfied with our lives. That's not to say many of us aren't happy because happiness as I always say is simply a state of mind and happiness can be churned out from absolutely nothing...but many of us long for more. It's tough to dream something up and believe that it can be transformed into something real so we conform to tradition instead. We are constrained behind unnoticed societal boundaries that typically lead us into lives of comfort rather than meaningfulness. This is a generality. I do understand some build happiness out of comfort and that is all they need or want... I actually admire those people. I only WISH I could be content in conventionality but I'm cursed with this inquisitive desire to expand and explore. I do fear there will come a time where the weight of the world finally pulls me under, where I realize I am fighting for something far more powerful than I, but until then I fight!

I am revamping my myspace page. Actually, I personally am not revamping but a very sweet girl from a great record company responded to my email and offered to do it for me. I feel really lucky that she is interested in my music and what I am doing and that she is willing to take the time out of her life to help me in mine. She does the online marketing so its a good contact. I am excited to get a new myspace that actually looks legitimate. I have also been working on potential album covers and so far am coming out with some cool abstract ideas. I even went to the MET today and bee lined to the modern art wing for some inspiration. For some reason I felt too exhausted to go through the whole museum so all the ancient Greek sculptures I had to maze through only annoyed me. was NOT interested in the mechanics of rolling a human body in cloth to rot in a tomb. Maybe another day. Here are some of my faves.

I hopped on a bus headed towards my village and GOT LUCKYYYYY... A haggard looking lady got on the bus and to my entertainment and surprise she went absolutely ballistic. She sat alone and went on a MASSIVE very LOUD rant about the inequality of life in new york city and the unjustified increase in her rent by the Jewish people. She didn't use the word Jewish people, she had a more obtuse and rude term but I listened very carefully. I tried to record some of it with my camera. The video wont be anything but terrible angles of my face because I didn't want to be obvious but pay attention to the audio. You can hear this lady go on a tirade into thin air. Everyone was laughing to one another in disbelief. If you listen hard enough you can hear her use a derogatory reference to Jewish people ("seedy jews") right at the beginning. Crazyyyy lady. hilarious nonetheless!! She was talking to NOBODY...Thin air! I shouldn't be making a mockery of the delusional old crows of new york but I can't help it. She is a prime example of why people should NOT try to make an infinite living in NYC. Come here, garner a nice little living, gain experience and get the heck out. It's not a place to raise a family or grow old in. It's just too complex. UNLESS you have the money. Money is like a warm blanket here.Listen carefully!

I watched Zeitgeist2 which is primarily about the unjust monetary system. I had to re watch the first 30 minutes over and over to really take in the information and understand it, but once I put the pieces together I realized how sick this country is. I don't think Canada is much better but we likely got bullied into joining the masses. Watch that documentary. It's frightening. Money is worse than all the military weapons across the world combined. Watch it and see why!!! The first Zeitgeist is great too... it is instead based on religion and equally as shocking. DOWN WITH JESUS!... I'm kidding... but I really am not an advocate of religion. I think the whole thing is totally fallacious... derived solely from MYTH. ANCIENT GREEK MYTHOLOGY IS GOVERNING OUR LIVES. I guess to understand you must WATCH. Sometimes I think ignorance really is bliss and if it cant be changed its almost better off unexamined but I can't help my curiosity. I want to know why we function the way we do as mankind.

I am sitting in the Astor place Starbucks. I love this location. It's big so there is always people in here circulating doing the exact same thing as me. A cute boy in full on biking gear sat two seats down and played around on his cell phone. I kept staring without even REALIZING it. I stare at everyone and half the time I don't even catch myself doing it until I get a weird look back. It's funny because I went to relocate to a comfy chair that came available ONLY because my battery was dying and I needed the nearby outlet tp plug in my comp...otherwise i would have been too lazy...but just as I approached the seat some guy took it. I politely asked him if he minded surrendering his comfy chair so i could use the outlet and so we switched spots. 10 minutes later he approached me and in MY arrogant head i thought "oh here we go, he's going to ask me where I'm from and try and engage in conversation and I'm going to have to politely ignore his advances and seem much too busy to chat" BUT to my surprise he instead said "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude or anything but I feel like you pulled a fast one on me because there is an outlet right by where you were sitting, I don't mind giving up my chair for a lady but you could have been honest in your request". I was SHOCKED. What this twat did not realize is that my cord didn't reach the outlet he was talking about so I HAD to move. Instead of apologizing I marched down to where he was sitting and held my cord out to prove it was just too short to reach. He obviously felt like an idiot and had nothing good in response. What a jackass! I almost put on a big production to really make him feel stupid but I realized there was nothing to gain in doing that so I nuzzled down in my COMFY chair instead... I'm sure the image of my relaxation pissed him off enough. haha!

so I'm headed out for martinis in SoHo tonight... really outta go get ready...

happy Friday kids... 

helium balloons

Sometimes I lay in my bed at night and imagine what would happen if the world stopped spinning. Would we all float up to the sky like helium balloons? Would we grab on to anything rooted in the ground or would the sensations excite us and send us curiously upwards? Would we unite and hold on to one another out of fear... even our greatest enemies? It seems when something happens to all of us at once a sense of unity surfaces.... we forget who we are against. A good example of this happened during the devastating attack in 2001. On the afternoon of  September 11th there was this common gloom over everyone in new york city and beyond... nobody fought because fighting felt trivial... no one shopped because 'owning things' felt irrelevant and few felt entitled to push or shove because everyone understood the inner pain that undulated across every heart in Manhattan and that created a bond. Most bonds are created out of fear and pain...but something special has happened to this country to revive the sullen hearts of those who once suffered a loss or is suffering now... for the first time in history a son of an African American obtained the highest rank in America. Barack Obama became the first African American president in the U.S.A. Very momentous day for everyone and I hope he succeeds in accomplishing the change he believes in. What frustrates me is that the son of an African American immigrant can become the countries president yet I can't get a friggin temporary work visa. Am I missing something?

aside from my boring banter about change and floating balloons I fortunately got to see Shrek on Broadway today and it was incredible. I can't believe how talented the performers are. They actually get PAID to do that... it looks like so much FUN! It really started to light a fire in me... I can't wait to be on MY OWN stage performing MY OWN songs. What a rush!

I also got a job working at that restaurant I mentioned downtown so hopefully I can make some friends and make some money to get this album show on the road. I gotta get shit in high gear because time is money and I'm excited to see what the future has waiting for me. sleep maybe?

I realize my blogs are lacking in the entertainment department but if just been babysitting and missing out on sleep over the last few days so that does not make for good blogging!

I will go out and cause trouble soon so I have some good material...I will literally go out looking for hilarious stuff to post... maybe I'll even video tape something. For now, laugh at this... it's all I got!

subway rat

So i am at Jessicas now for the second night in a row. I slept here last night and because its such a packed apartment i only ended up going to bed at 3:30... I then had to wake up at 6 am to watch her baby Zane as he always gets up earlier than everyone else. I am running on empty lately. i have to do the same thing tomorrow morning so i am praying for sleep a little earlier. It is fun here despite the lack of sleep because there's always people around and Jessica's friend Lars, who I met last year is here, has been down for about a week and he is staying longer and we always have the best chats about movies and music and random stuff...we stay up till 2 am exchanging songs on our macs so its kinda fun here. I'm not alone and I think that's the key point. I find the more time i spend alone the more dismal and sad my life becomes.I start to question things too much. It is really hard trying to live in a city where nobody knows anything about you... you begin to long for those friends back home. The friends that know exactly what your shampoo smells like, what kind of socks you typically wear or what part time job you worked while in high school. all those things SEEM trivial but those are the exact things that individualize us and its nice having people around who know them about you. I guess it's also fun having a blank canvass to paint a new self portrait for people to see, but there really is no place like home. For now I am keeping busy and surrounded but i do miss my buds.
I had a job interview at a cool restaurant called Butterfield8 in midtown.. its kinda crunched in between a bunch of corporate buildings....it went SO well but the same problem is my lack of citizenship. I have to morph into the con i once was.
I also went to the union square movie theatre at 3:30 to see the 4:30 viewing of revolutionary road... i walked all the way across town between the wet flow of huge fluffy snowflakes and the damn thing was sold out. somebody doesnt want me to see this movie. I ended up going toStarbucks at Astor place instead to read a book Jessica lent me called "go ask Alice"... My reading was a tad distracted as this really WACKED out guy was sitting a few seats down from me and i think he was having a bad trip. He was talking to himself, pretending to be handicap and coughing up phlegm... it was sick... everyone around me was in awe... we were all looking to each other for answers as to what the hell was going on.... but at the end of the day ya gotta just duck your head down and remember its NYC... anything goes! rats in the metro stations, people shoulder to shoulder in Grand Central and taxis rubbing their bumpers on anything and everything.
today i was walking through grand central to go to my interview and this strange but really great feeling came over me. for once in my life i felt something i have never felt before but WISHED i would. I felt like the world was happening around me rather than me happening around the world. I felt like I was moving inside of new york city. I had aqueous transmission playing in my headphones and i honestly felt like i was floating around the crowd in my own world. I didn't care what was going on around me or who was looking or what i bumped into... i was living... i guess you could say i felt present... and on my own terms. i loved it. I want to feel like that everyday. Like everyone esle I'm always worried about being scrutinized but i think that is fading. Today felt like it was my day...but fact is everyday is my day.... i just have to learn to feel it.

less serious melodramatic matters to report Ive added hundreds of songs to my itunes collection. I raided Jessicas collection and ripped them onto my comp. Van Morrison, Phish,Kravitz, Steely Dan, Clapton, young, grateful dead... tons and tons... I'm pumped to become a music junkie... all the greats... im way too contemporary in taste.
my posting is boring today. go read something by Dr.Suess to counteract the boringnes of todays posting.

I love you all and to all a good night!

p.s... im pissed because i typed in "subway rat" in yahoo images to get a picture of the rats the roam around on the rails and this hilarious picture of some homely looking girl came up... but whats funny is she was posing as though she looked cute and stylish. I couldnt stop laughing... haha... this poor girl is leaning up all sexy against the wall in the metro station and the subtitle of the photo is subway rat... AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA!!! HAHAHAHHA!!! 

I'm mean...

3 babies, 1 Jena

Going to make this fast as I am in the middle of a 20 hour babysitting marathon but I wanted to express the absolute unreal influence my daily activities are having on my midnight dreams.

Last night I dreamt I gave birth TO TRIPLETS! WHAT THE FRIG?!? ! I won't go into detail because it's really not so interesting. My best friend and once housemate Lauren always had this urge to reiterate every little detail of her previous nights dream. For the first year I pretended I was interested but I eventually started to feel like a fraudulent friend so I came clean. I told her it was time to put her dreams into a nutshell if she wanted me to listen to them... we laugh about it now but i'm sure she was hurt at the time. Im sorry Lauren. In the words of Billy Joel "honesty is hardly ever heard"!

Below is an exact illustration of what I would look like if I ever gave birth to triplets...brown hair and all!

The kids are watching an Opera play called "magic flute"... it's amazing how kids can watch the same show 259 times and still anticipate the next viewing. I wish things were still that simple. Now-a-days we can hardly get through a 159 minute film without wanting to walk out of the theatre... we've raised the bar so high its almost become detrimental to our entertainment. Sure we have some record breaking movies and HBO series still coming out of the wood works but they are SO few and far between. I'm tired of watching the pubescent adventures of animated fish or aloof rich kids try and depict reality. I think once we reach the summit of our artistic capabilities we'll dig into the vault and start taking older/indie films into consideration again, calling them must-see timeless classics... when the truth is we've just run out of ideas! 

I guess I just have a different taste than the majority these days... I belong to a smaller division. I really want to see Revolutionary Road so I rushed out the door 40 minutes before the viewing today and got the M8 across town to Greenwhich Village... sure enough I missed my stop and didn't make it on time. I took a pointless trip to the other side of the city just to end up getting home wet because the snow is melting and the city is soaked. I am staying over at Jessica's place again tonight so I will have to put it into tomorrows priorities. I've loved Leonardo Dicaprio since childhood so I know this movie will be good. I could watch him scrub the inside of a public toilet and still be an awe. The guys a genius. 

Aside from babysitting and riding busses around town to nowhere I can't say I've got anything momentous to report. My rent got paid, I saw "BIG" from sex and the city drinking coffee and reading the news paper in starbucks and I added a new version of Lucky Dog to my myspace. 

These songs are coming together so well. My album is going to be a force to be reckoned with and I am so fortunate to be where I am. 

I'm anxious to see what this city is going to be like during the inauguration. I think I might use it as an excuse to get drunk. CLASSYYYYY!!!

 I typed the word BIG in yahoo image search to try and put a picture of the sex and the city character but I got this instead and thought it had WAY more substance and appeal. Enjoy perverts!!!

right-O!

Chico

I have to admit one embarrassing thing about myself. Since maintaining a blog requires a bit of a candid attitude i guess i am required to come out and say things most people won't. I check my facebook/myspace/e-mail about 576 times a day! Now thats embarrassing!! What am I looking for... it's like I am waiting to just one day click on my inbox and discover an e-mail from God inviting me up to heaven early without actually having to die... a sneak peak into my future Utopia. I honestly have no clue what I expect to see in there but there's always this anxiousness inside me when opening my web sites. I know I don't stand alone in this, but I know i'm one in a few who will admit it. Kanye beat me in admitting insecurity so I figure i'll try and 1 up him. Had to toss this in my blog as it is totally silly...

Moving on...

I noticed the new Dentyne Ice ad's are littered about the train cars and their new gimmick is to show people how technology is taking away from the intimacy in their lives. "Make face time" is their new slogan. I kinda like it. On their website they have put a 3 minute timer to ensure people have just enough time to browse their site and visit all their links but they cannot spend hours cruising about the net. It's really kinda cool. Check out their opening page at least. It's very TRUE! Their ad's don't necessarily make me want to chew gum but they do make me want to blog about it so they are accomplishing something. GO MAKE FACE TIME!!

I wish I could make face time instead of just sitting here talking about it but I  have nobody I desire to make face time with. 

I went to this really awesome swanky sushi bar in Union Square the other night with Val. A guy I met the last time I was here. We had fun, drank Brazilian cocktails and ate about 200 different types of fish. Okay maybe only 3 or 4 types... but the key part of the story is that I tired EEL... and LIKED IT! I also went out last night to a really charming Wine bar called Ten Degrees a few blocks from my place. I met Brett there... a guy I reconnected with that I met once while I was here last time. We drank really good wine and talked over the melodies of the really talented jazz trio that was playing in the corner. It was really nice but I ended up coming home at midnight as I had to get up frikken early today to babysit for Liz. I have to get up early tomorrow too but Val wants me to go to this awesome martini lounge in Soho. We went last year and they had the BESTTTTT chocolate martinis... It's tempting. I should nap so I have the energy! 

Aside from drinking like an alcoholic and enjoying Manhattans charm I've been babysitting for Liz and crying over my apartment situation back home. Thank god the rent got paid but I can't go through that anguish every month. New york is hard enough on me as it is!!

I kinda lied a little about not having anyone to make face time with. I kinda sorta met a GORGEOUS guy in "The Bean" the other day. I hate writing about it in fear he might find my blog... then I look like a total twat... but at the same time it should be kinda flattering that I write about his good looks in my blog shouldn't it? hehe! He sat right beside me but he was initially with a friend so they chatted... while I just did my thing... but his friend eventually left and he stayed. Puuurfect!!! Thats the exact situation Jena likes to be put in. Sure enough after a few minutes of me looking extremely busy I turned and stuck up conversation. We talked for the better part of an hour and it was a pretty refreshing conversation. I couldn't stop thinking in my head how absolutely HOT he was... but aside from my absolutely perverse tendencies he was a cool guy. Of course he's not from NY because the world likes to punish me like that... but he used to live here (now lives in L.A) and comes in a lot on business so it's not like I may never see him again. What a tease though. We have chatted over e-mail a bit since... but in all honesty these situations usually just end with one of us giving up on the effort of trying to maintain contact. I get lazy and start to forget... and guys just suck all together at that sort of thing so I am not banking on anything but it's nice to finally meet someone attractive AND smart. Unusual combo! I now have faith that they are out there.

I gave some cute brit my card in the club I went to last Friday and he just e-mailed me 60 seconds ago. haha... Munner is on a roll. Although not sure I'm going to e-mail back because right now I just don't have the desire to put in the energy it takes to get to know someone. I like being on my own right now and just watching from the outside. 

Along with my e-mail from Russell the brit I also got a brand new updated version of "around me" in my inbox from Eric. It sounds stellar and I'm going to immediately post it on my website.

I have to mention:

Chico is a graffiti artist in NYC and is well known for his unbelievable murals across Manhattan, predominantly the east village...MY neighborhood. The friggen guy is Eric Clapton of Graffiti...a full on maestro! Unbelievably polished shit he's producing here! Below are a few examples. Notice the detail in these pieces. A peacock, a mural based around red hearts and an unreal black and white illustration of a tiger. He's done his homework! He also has this amazing mural of Martin Luther King beside the word Dream. Check out some more of his stuff and an inspiring little bio about him here...

I also wanted to mention my completely warped dream last night!

It was obviously influenced by the commercial plane that crashed in the hudson river yesterday. Below is a picture... everyone survived because the pilot put on a brilliant performance. People were all rescued by near by Ferries...look at them all out on the wings of the plane... its quite surreal...go on the NY times website for details. It's an amazing story!

 

So...as my dream goes...(and Lauren I know what your thinking) aside from the details I prefer not to discuss (has something to do with a certain someone I should not be thinking about anymore but foolishly am)...at one point I ended up in this body of water with severed body parts laying around in military uniform. All of a sudden I was swimming in this water that was recently attacked and bombed and all these dead people were floating around... I had to escape and run from the bombings that were still happening. Then I ended up in the St.Joe's highschool parking lot with all these people strapped to the light posts anticipating the next bombing. Man... I woke up scared. I didn't wake up sweating though. It's SO cold in my room that at one point I got up and put 7 layers of clothes on just to sleep. My night last night was a weird one. No wonder I am so tired. ....... but chocolate martini's are hard to passsss upppp....

hmmm...

till tomorrow! Have a good friday night laddies... (thats ladies and lads all in one)...Off to check my facebook for the 100th time. Maybe Leonardo Dicaprio has sent me a friend request?

Album art

I HAVE to start figuring out what I want to do for the cover because I might possibly have to go home so I have to hustle. You see, I am subletting my apartment back home to someone I THOUGHT I knew but apparently I was totally wrong. It's now the 13th of January and the rent has not been paid. I have no idea what to do but I know I can't afford to pay for my place in Ottawa AND my place in NYC so I am totally screwed.  I either have to pray to the sky that my rent gets paid in Ottawa or I am going to have to temporarily come home and get someone else to take over the apartment. Not sure what I am going to do at this point...I spent 10 hours on the phone this morning in tears and I of all things I'm not letting THIS defeat me. I'm going to struggle a HELL of a lot in my future with this crazy career so I'm going to have to learn to keep myself together. I'm not even going to discuss it any further. I will figure it out... I HAVE to figure it out!

I scored about 200 jewel CD cases today off of freecycle.com... It's the coolest website. You basically just go online to this website, choose your city and discover a world of people who are either posting things to give away or posting things they need. It's all free too. People have junk every single day that they need to get rid of and most often this junk is another persons treasure, so why toss it if someone is willing to take it? I didn't want to get cd's made in plastic for various reasons... primarily environmental. By picking up these empty CD cases I am basically recycling other peoples damage. This saves me money and gives me a home for my CD's. I just gotta get really creative with my cover. STICK MEN? That's been my latest creative idea... or not creative. I really don't know. I am plagued by this scary rent situation. I can't think about anything except when the next greyhound is parting to Canada.  

I guess in this world the only person you can trust is yourself...and let's be honest... there are times we even make decisions against our OWN moral fiber when put in the right situation.

I'm not sure how I would deal with having to come home. I literally just got here and happen to LOVE my apartment and my neighborhood and I really don't think i'll be able to find anything like this again should I be cornered into giving it up!

I am in 'The Bean' again, I love this coffee shop. I actually started laughing in my head the other day because I was babysitting Huck for the day and I decided to take him to starbucks and of course we were making so much noise an taking up so much space with his stroller....so this lady came in a squeezed beside us and whipped out her laptop and i couldnt help but be curious what she could possible be writing about and just like me she was writing some sort of blog. Just as i peeked at her page she was writing about how Huck was screaming behind her... HAHAHA. I kinda thought her to be nuts then realized I do the exact same thing. haha... I love spying on people. it's just so candid and thats when you discover the most about human beings. I believe we all think feel and do the same things, what separates us is what we choose to reveal about ourselves. Our confidence, our preferences and our perspectives are different on the outside but at the end of the day we are all cut from the same cloth and have the same makings of a human being. 

I guess this post as no meaning other than to say I wish my rent would be paid and I need a cool idea for an album cover. 

Oh...and I am going to do vocals tonight in Williamsburg and if I don't make it back alive I want to donate my body to a medical research facility and I want to donate my eyes to a blind person. I also want someone to be in charge of hiring Will Pharrell to sing "dust in the wind" at my funeral. If you can't afford to hire Will I'm sure Tom Green will do it at a low price. 

oh and please tell my Mom it honestly was not me who drank all the Baileys last christmas... that's been hovering over me since the accusation.

thanks eh!

Jena

an afterthought for those who like afterthoughts

on my walk home today I started thinking about relationships and how most of us are thwarted by our subconscious tendency to want what we do not or seemingly cannot have. This is common sense that I realize everyone has already caught on to but when examining that theory I started to realize just how feeble-minded and callow that notion is. I am as guilty as the next for brushing off the soft-hearted adoring ones. I get this massive urge to push myself as far away as possible from their affection. I feel smothered and bound... as though I am required to return the feelings. I hate the thought of someone relying on me to make them feel good. I am saying all this because it's important to mention my understanding of this. I feel as though the person who does not take an interest in me is hiding something brilliant. I convince myself that they must have some genius qualities that only a select few could decipher. A challenge, a feat... that more often than not is conquered and chock-full of disappointment. 

Think of it this way. Confidence in oneself is the knowledge that you have worth, pride and a like for yourself.  Anyone who ends up romantically bound to you is lucky right? WELL, knowing this, shouldnt we have nothing but respect for those who admire and adore for having the astute wisdom to notice our value? We shouldn't try and push those people away...we should commend them for recognizing our good qualities and thank them for singling us out in a world full of millions upon millions of people. 

Sure, sometimes it can be irritating to have to respond to someone you have absolutely no interest in talking to, but consider that person brilliant for noticing you and take the time to cordially express your appreciation. That's not to mean you should feel required to reciprocate, but at least have the common decency to thank them for their regard. THEY LIKE YOU... YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT! Let's face it... there are tens of thousands of amazing people roaming this earth... 1/4 or 1/4 of 1/4 of 1/4 of 1/4 of 1/16th of that population is going to be interested in you... revel in it!  I guess this is me rambling a little but I just can't believe the way people conduct themselves sometimes. So selfish and caught up in their own desires and needs that they forget to extend a little gratitude to those who take time out of their day to think about them! There's no excuse to leave letters unanswered or plans unaddressed. It's mean. Plain and simple. That's not to say there are not going to be contributing factors... it's inevitable some will be jaded by their past or afraid of their future or completely confused and fucked up in their present but the people who have no interest in you aren't going to be the ones to remedy that RIGHT?

The worst part about it is that almost every single time I happen to take and interest in someone its all dreamt up. There's rarely any authenticity behind my infatuation...but I never realize it until it's either too late and I already look pathetic and obsessed or the until the other party turns the leaf over and starts feeling something back. thats when I RUN! haha. So here I am sacrificing my dignity emailing and text msging some ass for the 7th time in a row stuck in complete unjustified captivation when really its an act of boredom. I'm generally driven by the challenge not the reward! I happen to know for a fact if such a person were to turn around and start showing an equal interest in me I would laugh and turn on my heels... 

we all feign an interest in something to impress someone

we all like someone for superficial reasons

we all wonder if there's something better

we all think about someone we like 22 hours a day... even when sleeping

we all picture ourselves having a future with someone we hardly know

we all want someone back if they don't beg us to stay or if they move on quickly

we all want someone to like us even if we don't like them... but from a distance

we all like a challenge but never realize it's probably a sexual conquest rather than romantic

we all want the jerk until his nice soft-spoken best friend reveals his humanitarian work

we all worry what we look like in a crowd

we all scan the room and bee line towards the best looking person

we all wait 6 hours to reply to a text msg to seem busy

we all use the excuse 'sorry I was busy' even if napped then played brick breaker for 5 stright hours

we all sacrifice our pride to try and prove we're actually cool and only end up with less pride

we all get lonely and wonder if our ex's were really as good as it gets. 

we all have fake conversations in our heads over what we might say if we bump into him or her

we all dwell on our losses as though we'll never ever find someone quite like that again..HAH!

we all wonder what it would be like to sleep with Jason Shawrtzman

we all drink chocolate milk too fast

we all say no when in a foreign household and offered food even when we're actually starving

we all look awkward while trying not to look awkward when walking somewhere alone 

we all have used a word that sounded good but internally panicked that it may have not made sense

we all get embarrassed if we have to cough in a quiet room

we all have woken up on a Sunday morning and prayed it was all just a bad dream...

we all pretend to read something or text msg someone when waiting alone in a public place

we all try to impress via facebook status

we all pretend we hate facebook 

we all pose naked in front of the mirror then panic that someone is watching even when we are alone

we all have had to brush our teeth with our index finger

we all think this list is unnecessarily long but read it all anyways out of sheer boredom