The compost

I'm tired. i'm going to start with that. every single night now, despite what I did during the day, I get home and stay awake till 3 am on my laptop doing absolutely nothing. My bed is not comfortable at all, my room is completely void of anything decorative or welcoming and I'm always either too hot or too cold. Even when I do fall asleep at 3, without fail I wake up at 5 and throw my body around into a million different positions until I finally hit oblivion again. Alas, my roommate is up at the crack of dawn and makes noise similar to what it might sound like if we tried to pack the entire city of new york in our front hall. Either that or my apartment is toy story but rather than toys its my pots and pans that come to life? I should dig up some old Alex Mac DVD's and plan an investigation?

As for what i've been up to...well, sadly not a whole lot. I went to the bitter end on Sunday... alone... and watched the singer songwriter session. I had 2 free beers on the house and was bombarded by some nervous guy but the intrusion came with a free beer so I endured the senseless conversation to be nice. I also got up and sang a little tune with the house band but I was rustier than a nail lodged in the gutter of a haunted house. I honestly NEED to get to singing again. That was the great thing about living on my own... my apartment in ottawa, in comparison to this one i'm in now, was like Jasmin's palace and I had the liberty to do whatever I wanted.  I wailed alicia keys day and night in that apartment. Now I curl up in a tiny ball on a bed of springs with headphones on. it's mildly depressing. I also went to see revolutionary road... alone... and it was really good. I walked all the way home from union square without even realizing it because I was in such deep thought. I just barreled my way down the avenues in the brisk cold wondering how all our lives got so systematic? We are all so restrained by borders. Macro and Micro. The Macro being our governmental borders... municipal, provincial, national... obviously we are constrained in that regard. I can't even get a WORK visa in this city and I live 8 hours away. Then theres the micro borders of society. We constrain ourselves by relationships, jobs, family and housing. We get stuck in these tiny little bubbles. We work so much we are constrained by our fatigue. We have deadlines, bills, debt and doubt...all of which constrain us. Very few see beyond that. Many live cyclical lives where these borders go unnoticed and seem natural. They blend in with the general meaning of life. But since when should life be so SMALL? We literally have down to the minute deadlines on a regular basis. Down the the SECOND. "Have that report to me by Friday midnight" "Pay your bill by the 5th at 2:59 pm". There are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour and 24 hours in a day. 7 days a week, 54 weeks a year and we live our lives worrying about milliseconds in a solitary day. I honestly do not think this is that way we were meant to live. We are slaves to the corporation. I can't stop dwelling on that. That is depressing to write about so i'm sure it's even more depressing to read about so I will move on to the compost!

The compost is simple, yet so COMPLEX. The compost is exactly what it is...a COMPOST but what separates this compost for other typical composts is that this particular COM-POSTE is smack dab in the middle of my apartment and it's in the from of an over sized plastic JAR. Why there is a need for a compost in the middle of an apartment the size of a master bedroom I do not have the answer to. Where this compost is emptied, I do not know. I am personally petrified to open the thing up in fear of what might jump out. I do not want to be attacked by a moldy eggshell or a flying zucchini saucer. In other news apartment related my house mate decided to put up a little piece of "art" on our otherwise completely WHITE walls. Below is both the compost and the new art. I am livin LARGE!

I was supposed to go to Kings of Leon tonight with Noah from live 88.5. He had free tix and was planning on coming to stay here in NY with me a few days in my compost artsy palace... BUT... like fate always has it... a massive blizzard coated the entire province of ontario causing cancellations across the board. Now two tickets are going to WASTE because the sky pissed snow all over the place.

I will say, in the midst of all this melancholoy I have embraced a temporary remedy. The office! If comedy is art, Steve Carell is Van Gogh. I love that show and the cast of the office have become my new best friends. Sad hahaha

R-A-N-T

Your either a conformist to the conformists, or a non-conformist to the non- conformists. I really see nothing in between. We all get satisfaction NOT by pleasing ourselves, but my gaining the reverence and acceptance from others. If life was once about survival it is not anymore. Survival has taken the back seat to the longing for favorable reception of society. What is a society anyways? According to the dictionary Society is; "The aggregate of people living in a more or less ordered community." This notion does not seem flawed, however, over time the meaning of "ordered community" has been tremendously skewed. With advertisements, the starbucks and wal-marts of the world and with branding... we have all become sheep; Our Shepherd, the corporation! I just see less and less individuality and I can't help but question who or what is responsible. We seem to be measured NOT by our intelligence or kindness but instead by our net-worth and our ability to comply with the latest trends. Nobody questions the American dream because that would go against the keynote. Obtaining the American dream is to not have to ever question its validity. Children, a house, two cars and green grass. It all sounds so GOOD, but the absolute bullshit we have to go through to get there devalues the entire hypothesis. Why then, do we do it? What seems to have happened is that over time the evolution of society has conditioned the majority into believing that their happiness can be found inside the conglomorate world. Instead of searching for what makes us happy we instead DECIDE that specific things make us happy because they have to in order to survive inside the traditions of society. I mean, really ask yourself... who in their right mind actually LOVES selling jewelery. It just does not make sense that anybody can find happiness in trying to convince another person so spend money on a lump of pressed coal. Life should not work that way. We worship people we have never met instead of our own mothers, we wear clothing that costs enough money to feed a family for an entire month and we let other people decide whether or not we fit in someplace in the world. As far as I am concered there is NO fitting it. Not once person is doing this right not one person is doing this wrong... we are all just doing it as it comes and this is a frame of mind that should undulate amongst the people. I loathe the monetary system, I have no appreciation for style and I believe judgement is the weakest act of human behavior. 

This rant of mine is born out of societal ignorance. I just feel like nobody really knows who they are unless they are told. We all decide whether or not we like somebody not based on where they have been or what they believe in but rather what they can offer and whether or not their shoes match their handbag. It could be my own self conscious delusions? Maybe i'm just paranoid that I am constantly being sized up by the blue-blooded crowds of New York but I just feel this negative vibration sometimes and I cant help but wonder what cradles this animosity? It's as though we are all fighting for a place to belong and are forgetting that there is more space on this earth than people and theres no need to push and shove. Spread out... it's easy if we try. Ignorance in this case is not bliss...it's just over crowded egocentricity. 

haggard old ladies

You know we all spend a lot of time worrying about other peoples lives instead of our own. Okay, maybe not "we all"...maybe just me? I have this terrible habit of wondering what other people are up to. I watch people in coffee shops and on the train and I try to imagine where they are going and what their lives consist of. I usually imagine they have a life of great substance and affluence, but the reality of the reality IS...we're all starving for something we don't have. A small percentage of us can attest to being TRULY and wholly satisfied with our lives. That's not to say many of us aren't happy because happiness as I always say is simply a state of mind and happiness can be churned out from absolutely nothing...but many of us long for more. It's tough to dream something up and believe that it can be transformed into something real so we conform to tradition instead. We are constrained behind unnoticed societal boundaries that typically lead us into lives of comfort rather than meaningfulness. This is a generality. I do understand some build happiness out of comfort and that is all they need or want... I actually admire those people. I only WISH I could be content in conventionality but I'm cursed with this inquisitive desire to expand and explore. I do fear there will come a time where the weight of the world finally pulls me under, where I realize I am fighting for something far more powerful than I, but until then I fight!

I am revamping my myspace page. Actually, I personally am not revamping but a very sweet girl from a great record company responded to my email and offered to do it for me. I feel really lucky that she is interested in my music and what I am doing and that she is willing to take the time out of her life to help me in mine. She does the online marketing so its a good contact. I am excited to get a new myspace that actually looks legitimate. I have also been working on potential album covers and so far am coming out with some cool abstract ideas. I even went to the MET today and bee lined to the modern art wing for some inspiration. For some reason I felt too exhausted to go through the whole museum so all the ancient Greek sculptures I had to maze through only annoyed me. was NOT interested in the mechanics of rolling a human body in cloth to rot in a tomb. Maybe another day. Here are some of my faves.

I hopped on a bus headed towards my village and GOT LUCKYYYYY... A haggard looking lady got on the bus and to my entertainment and surprise she went absolutely ballistic. She sat alone and went on a MASSIVE very LOUD rant about the inequality of life in new york city and the unjustified increase in her rent by the Jewish people. She didn't use the word Jewish people, she had a more obtuse and rude term but I listened very carefully. I tried to record some of it with my camera. The video wont be anything but terrible angles of my face because I didn't want to be obvious but pay attention to the audio. You can hear this lady go on a tirade into thin air. Everyone was laughing to one another in disbelief. If you listen hard enough you can hear her use a derogatory reference to Jewish people ("seedy jews") right at the beginning. Crazyyyy lady. hilarious nonetheless!! She was talking to NOBODY...Thin air! I shouldn't be making a mockery of the delusional old crows of new york but I can't help it. She is a prime example of why people should NOT try to make an infinite living in NYC. Come here, garner a nice little living, gain experience and get the heck out. It's not a place to raise a family or grow old in. It's just too complex. UNLESS you have the money. Money is like a warm blanket here.Listen carefully!

I watched Zeitgeist2 which is primarily about the unjust monetary system. I had to re watch the first 30 minutes over and over to really take in the information and understand it, but once I put the pieces together I realized how sick this country is. I don't think Canada is much better but we likely got bullied into joining the masses. Watch that documentary. It's frightening. Money is worse than all the military weapons across the world combined. Watch it and see why!!! The first Zeitgeist is great too... it is instead based on religion and equally as shocking. DOWN WITH JESUS!... I'm kidding... but I really am not an advocate of religion. I think the whole thing is totally fallacious... derived solely from MYTH. ANCIENT GREEK MYTHOLOGY IS GOVERNING OUR LIVES. I guess to understand you must WATCH. Sometimes I think ignorance really is bliss and if it cant be changed its almost better off unexamined but I can't help my curiosity. I want to know why we function the way we do as mankind.

I am sitting in the Astor place Starbucks. I love this location. It's big so there is always people in here circulating doing the exact same thing as me. A cute boy in full on biking gear sat two seats down and played around on his cell phone. I kept staring without even REALIZING it. I stare at everyone and half the time I don't even catch myself doing it until I get a weird look back. It's funny because I went to relocate to a comfy chair that came available ONLY because my battery was dying and I needed the nearby outlet tp plug in my comp...otherwise i would have been too lazy...but just as I approached the seat some guy took it. I politely asked him if he minded surrendering his comfy chair so i could use the outlet and so we switched spots. 10 minutes later he approached me and in MY arrogant head i thought "oh here we go, he's going to ask me where I'm from and try and engage in conversation and I'm going to have to politely ignore his advances and seem much too busy to chat" BUT to my surprise he instead said "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude or anything but I feel like you pulled a fast one on me because there is an outlet right by where you were sitting, I don't mind giving up my chair for a lady but you could have been honest in your request". I was SHOCKED. What this twat did not realize is that my cord didn't reach the outlet he was talking about so I HAD to move. Instead of apologizing I marched down to where he was sitting and held my cord out to prove it was just too short to reach. He obviously felt like an idiot and had nothing good in response. What a jackass! I almost put on a big production to really make him feel stupid but I realized there was nothing to gain in doing that so I nuzzled down in my COMFY chair instead... I'm sure the image of my relaxation pissed him off enough. haha!

so I'm headed out for martinis in SoHo tonight... really outta go get ready...

happy Friday kids... 

helium balloons

Sometimes I lay in my bed at night and imagine what would happen if the world stopped spinning. Would we all float up to the sky like helium balloons? Would we grab on to anything rooted in the ground or would the sensations excite us and send us curiously upwards? Would we unite and hold on to one another out of fear... even our greatest enemies? It seems when something happens to all of us at once a sense of unity surfaces.... we forget who we are against. A good example of this happened during the devastating attack in 2001. On the afternoon of  September 11th there was this common gloom over everyone in new york city and beyond... nobody fought because fighting felt trivial... no one shopped because 'owning things' felt irrelevant and few felt entitled to push or shove because everyone understood the inner pain that undulated across every heart in Manhattan and that created a bond. Most bonds are created out of fear and pain...but something special has happened to this country to revive the sullen hearts of those who once suffered a loss or is suffering now... for the first time in history a son of an African American obtained the highest rank in America. Barack Obama became the first African American president in the U.S.A. Very momentous day for everyone and I hope he succeeds in accomplishing the change he believes in. What frustrates me is that the son of an African American immigrant can become the countries president yet I can't get a friggin temporary work visa. Am I missing something?

aside from my boring banter about change and floating balloons I fortunately got to see Shrek on Broadway today and it was incredible. I can't believe how talented the performers are. They actually get PAID to do that... it looks like so much FUN! It really started to light a fire in me... I can't wait to be on MY OWN stage performing MY OWN songs. What a rush!

I also got a job working at that restaurant I mentioned downtown so hopefully I can make some friends and make some money to get this album show on the road. I gotta get shit in high gear because time is money and I'm excited to see what the future has waiting for me. sleep maybe?

I realize my blogs are lacking in the entertainment department but if just been babysitting and missing out on sleep over the last few days so that does not make for good blogging!

I will go out and cause trouble soon so I have some good material...I will literally go out looking for hilarious stuff to post... maybe I'll even video tape something. For now, laugh at this... it's all I got!

subway rat

So i am at Jessicas now for the second night in a row. I slept here last night and because its such a packed apartment i only ended up going to bed at 3:30... I then had to wake up at 6 am to watch her baby Zane as he always gets up earlier than everyone else. I am running on empty lately. i have to do the same thing tomorrow morning so i am praying for sleep a little earlier. It is fun here despite the lack of sleep because there's always people around and Jessica's friend Lars, who I met last year is here, has been down for about a week and he is staying longer and we always have the best chats about movies and music and random stuff...we stay up till 2 am exchanging songs on our macs so its kinda fun here. I'm not alone and I think that's the key point. I find the more time i spend alone the more dismal and sad my life becomes.I start to question things too much. It is really hard trying to live in a city where nobody knows anything about you... you begin to long for those friends back home. The friends that know exactly what your shampoo smells like, what kind of socks you typically wear or what part time job you worked while in high school. all those things SEEM trivial but those are the exact things that individualize us and its nice having people around who know them about you. I guess it's also fun having a blank canvass to paint a new self portrait for people to see, but there really is no place like home. For now I am keeping busy and surrounded but i do miss my buds.
I had a job interview at a cool restaurant called Butterfield8 in midtown.. its kinda crunched in between a bunch of corporate buildings....it went SO well but the same problem is my lack of citizenship. I have to morph into the con i once was.
I also went to the union square movie theatre at 3:30 to see the 4:30 viewing of revolutionary road... i walked all the way across town between the wet flow of huge fluffy snowflakes and the damn thing was sold out. somebody doesnt want me to see this movie. I ended up going toStarbucks at Astor place instead to read a book Jessica lent me called "go ask Alice"... My reading was a tad distracted as this really WACKED out guy was sitting a few seats down from me and i think he was having a bad trip. He was talking to himself, pretending to be handicap and coughing up phlegm... it was sick... everyone around me was in awe... we were all looking to each other for answers as to what the hell was going on.... but at the end of the day ya gotta just duck your head down and remember its NYC... anything goes! rats in the metro stations, people shoulder to shoulder in Grand Central and taxis rubbing their bumpers on anything and everything.
today i was walking through grand central to go to my interview and this strange but really great feeling came over me. for once in my life i felt something i have never felt before but WISHED i would. I felt like the world was happening around me rather than me happening around the world. I felt like I was moving inside of new york city. I had aqueous transmission playing in my headphones and i honestly felt like i was floating around the crowd in my own world. I didn't care what was going on around me or who was looking or what i bumped into... i was living... i guess you could say i felt present... and on my own terms. i loved it. I want to feel like that everyday. Like everyone esle I'm always worried about being scrutinized but i think that is fading. Today felt like it was my day...but fact is everyday is my day.... i just have to learn to feel it.

less serious melodramatic matters to report Ive added hundreds of songs to my itunes collection. I raided Jessicas collection and ripped them onto my comp. Van Morrison, Phish,Kravitz, Steely Dan, Clapton, young, grateful dead... tons and tons... I'm pumped to become a music junkie... all the greats... im way too contemporary in taste.
my posting is boring today. go read something by Dr.Suess to counteract the boringnes of todays posting.

I love you all and to all a good night!

p.s... im pissed because i typed in "subway rat" in yahoo images to get a picture of the rats the roam around on the rails and this hilarious picture of some homely looking girl came up... but whats funny is she was posing as though she looked cute and stylish. I couldnt stop laughing... haha... this poor girl is leaning up all sexy against the wall in the metro station and the subtitle of the photo is subway rat... AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA!!! HAHAHAHHA!!! 

I'm mean...

3 babies, 1 Jena

Going to make this fast as I am in the middle of a 20 hour babysitting marathon but I wanted to express the absolute unreal influence my daily activities are having on my midnight dreams.

Last night I dreamt I gave birth TO TRIPLETS! WHAT THE FRIG?!? ! I won't go into detail because it's really not so interesting. My best friend and once housemate Lauren always had this urge to reiterate every little detail of her previous nights dream. For the first year I pretended I was interested but I eventually started to feel like a fraudulent friend so I came clean. I told her it was time to put her dreams into a nutshell if she wanted me to listen to them... we laugh about it now but i'm sure she was hurt at the time. Im sorry Lauren. In the words of Billy Joel "honesty is hardly ever heard"!

Below is an exact illustration of what I would look like if I ever gave birth to triplets...brown hair and all!

The kids are watching an Opera play called "magic flute"... it's amazing how kids can watch the same show 259 times and still anticipate the next viewing. I wish things were still that simple. Now-a-days we can hardly get through a 159 minute film without wanting to walk out of the theatre... we've raised the bar so high its almost become detrimental to our entertainment. Sure we have some record breaking movies and HBO series still coming out of the wood works but they are SO few and far between. I'm tired of watching the pubescent adventures of animated fish or aloof rich kids try and depict reality. I think once we reach the summit of our artistic capabilities we'll dig into the vault and start taking older/indie films into consideration again, calling them must-see timeless classics... when the truth is we've just run out of ideas! 

I guess I just have a different taste than the majority these days... I belong to a smaller division. I really want to see Revolutionary Road so I rushed out the door 40 minutes before the viewing today and got the M8 across town to Greenwhich Village... sure enough I missed my stop and didn't make it on time. I took a pointless trip to the other side of the city just to end up getting home wet because the snow is melting and the city is soaked. I am staying over at Jessica's place again tonight so I will have to put it into tomorrows priorities. I've loved Leonardo Dicaprio since childhood so I know this movie will be good. I could watch him scrub the inside of a public toilet and still be an awe. The guys a genius. 

Aside from babysitting and riding busses around town to nowhere I can't say I've got anything momentous to report. My rent got paid, I saw "BIG" from sex and the city drinking coffee and reading the news paper in starbucks and I added a new version of Lucky Dog to my myspace. 

These songs are coming together so well. My album is going to be a force to be reckoned with and I am so fortunate to be where I am. 

I'm anxious to see what this city is going to be like during the inauguration. I think I might use it as an excuse to get drunk. CLASSYYYYY!!!

 I typed the word BIG in yahoo image search to try and put a picture of the sex and the city character but I got this instead and thought it had WAY more substance and appeal. Enjoy perverts!!!

right-O!

Chico

I have to admit one embarrassing thing about myself. Since maintaining a blog requires a bit of a candid attitude i guess i am required to come out and say things most people won't. I check my facebook/myspace/e-mail about 576 times a day! Now thats embarrassing!! What am I looking for... it's like I am waiting to just one day click on my inbox and discover an e-mail from God inviting me up to heaven early without actually having to die... a sneak peak into my future Utopia. I honestly have no clue what I expect to see in there but there's always this anxiousness inside me when opening my web sites. I know I don't stand alone in this, but I know i'm one in a few who will admit it. Kanye beat me in admitting insecurity so I figure i'll try and 1 up him. Had to toss this in my blog as it is totally silly...

Moving on...

I noticed the new Dentyne Ice ad's are littered about the train cars and their new gimmick is to show people how technology is taking away from the intimacy in their lives. "Make face time" is their new slogan. I kinda like it. On their website they have put a 3 minute timer to ensure people have just enough time to browse their site and visit all their links but they cannot spend hours cruising about the net. It's really kinda cool. Check out their opening page at least. It's very TRUE! Their ad's don't necessarily make me want to chew gum but they do make me want to blog about it so they are accomplishing something. GO MAKE FACE TIME!!

I wish I could make face time instead of just sitting here talking about it but I  have nobody I desire to make face time with. 

I went to this really awesome swanky sushi bar in Union Square the other night with Val. A guy I met the last time I was here. We had fun, drank Brazilian cocktails and ate about 200 different types of fish. Okay maybe only 3 or 4 types... but the key part of the story is that I tired EEL... and LIKED IT! I also went out last night to a really charming Wine bar called Ten Degrees a few blocks from my place. I met Brett there... a guy I reconnected with that I met once while I was here last time. We drank really good wine and talked over the melodies of the really talented jazz trio that was playing in the corner. It was really nice but I ended up coming home at midnight as I had to get up frikken early today to babysit for Liz. I have to get up early tomorrow too but Val wants me to go to this awesome martini lounge in Soho. We went last year and they had the BESTTTTT chocolate martinis... It's tempting. I should nap so I have the energy! 

Aside from drinking like an alcoholic and enjoying Manhattans charm I've been babysitting for Liz and crying over my apartment situation back home. Thank god the rent got paid but I can't go through that anguish every month. New york is hard enough on me as it is!!

I kinda lied a little about not having anyone to make face time with. I kinda sorta met a GORGEOUS guy in "The Bean" the other day. I hate writing about it in fear he might find my blog... then I look like a total twat... but at the same time it should be kinda flattering that I write about his good looks in my blog shouldn't it? hehe! He sat right beside me but he was initially with a friend so they chatted... while I just did my thing... but his friend eventually left and he stayed. Puuurfect!!! Thats the exact situation Jena likes to be put in. Sure enough after a few minutes of me looking extremely busy I turned and stuck up conversation. We talked for the better part of an hour and it was a pretty refreshing conversation. I couldn't stop thinking in my head how absolutely HOT he was... but aside from my absolutely perverse tendencies he was a cool guy. Of course he's not from NY because the world likes to punish me like that... but he used to live here (now lives in L.A) and comes in a lot on business so it's not like I may never see him again. What a tease though. We have chatted over e-mail a bit since... but in all honesty these situations usually just end with one of us giving up on the effort of trying to maintain contact. I get lazy and start to forget... and guys just suck all together at that sort of thing so I am not banking on anything but it's nice to finally meet someone attractive AND smart. Unusual combo! I now have faith that they are out there.

I gave some cute brit my card in the club I went to last Friday and he just e-mailed me 60 seconds ago. haha... Munner is on a roll. Although not sure I'm going to e-mail back because right now I just don't have the desire to put in the energy it takes to get to know someone. I like being on my own right now and just watching from the outside. 

Along with my e-mail from Russell the brit I also got a brand new updated version of "around me" in my inbox from Eric. It sounds stellar and I'm going to immediately post it on my website.

I have to mention:

Chico is a graffiti artist in NYC and is well known for his unbelievable murals across Manhattan, predominantly the east village...MY neighborhood. The friggen guy is Eric Clapton of Graffiti...a full on maestro! Unbelievably polished shit he's producing here! Below are a few examples. Notice the detail in these pieces. A peacock, a mural based around red hearts and an unreal black and white illustration of a tiger. He's done his homework! He also has this amazing mural of Martin Luther King beside the word Dream. Check out some more of his stuff and an inspiring little bio about him here...

I also wanted to mention my completely warped dream last night!

It was obviously influenced by the commercial plane that crashed in the hudson river yesterday. Below is a picture... everyone survived because the pilot put on a brilliant performance. People were all rescued by near by Ferries...look at them all out on the wings of the plane... its quite surreal...go on the NY times website for details. It's an amazing story!

 

So...as my dream goes...(and Lauren I know what your thinking) aside from the details I prefer not to discuss (has something to do with a certain someone I should not be thinking about anymore but foolishly am)...at one point I ended up in this body of water with severed body parts laying around in military uniform. All of a sudden I was swimming in this water that was recently attacked and bombed and all these dead people were floating around... I had to escape and run from the bombings that were still happening. Then I ended up in the St.Joe's highschool parking lot with all these people strapped to the light posts anticipating the next bombing. Man... I woke up scared. I didn't wake up sweating though. It's SO cold in my room that at one point I got up and put 7 layers of clothes on just to sleep. My night last night was a weird one. No wonder I am so tired. ....... but chocolate martini's are hard to passsss upppp....

hmmm...

till tomorrow! Have a good friday night laddies... (thats ladies and lads all in one)...Off to check my facebook for the 100th time. Maybe Leonardo Dicaprio has sent me a friend request?

Album art

I HAVE to start figuring out what I want to do for the cover because I might possibly have to go home so I have to hustle. You see, I am subletting my apartment back home to someone I THOUGHT I knew but apparently I was totally wrong. It's now the 13th of January and the rent has not been paid. I have no idea what to do but I know I can't afford to pay for my place in Ottawa AND my place in NYC so I am totally screwed.  I either have to pray to the sky that my rent gets paid in Ottawa or I am going to have to temporarily come home and get someone else to take over the apartment. Not sure what I am going to do at this point...I spent 10 hours on the phone this morning in tears and I of all things I'm not letting THIS defeat me. I'm going to struggle a HELL of a lot in my future with this crazy career so I'm going to have to learn to keep myself together. I'm not even going to discuss it any further. I will figure it out... I HAVE to figure it out!

I scored about 200 jewel CD cases today off of freecycle.com... It's the coolest website. You basically just go online to this website, choose your city and discover a world of people who are either posting things to give away or posting things they need. It's all free too. People have junk every single day that they need to get rid of and most often this junk is another persons treasure, so why toss it if someone is willing to take it? I didn't want to get cd's made in plastic for various reasons... primarily environmental. By picking up these empty CD cases I am basically recycling other peoples damage. This saves me money and gives me a home for my CD's. I just gotta get really creative with my cover. STICK MEN? That's been my latest creative idea... or not creative. I really don't know. I am plagued by this scary rent situation. I can't think about anything except when the next greyhound is parting to Canada.  

I guess in this world the only person you can trust is yourself...and let's be honest... there are times we even make decisions against our OWN moral fiber when put in the right situation.

I'm not sure how I would deal with having to come home. I literally just got here and happen to LOVE my apartment and my neighborhood and I really don't think i'll be able to find anything like this again should I be cornered into giving it up!

I am in 'The Bean' again, I love this coffee shop. I actually started laughing in my head the other day because I was babysitting Huck for the day and I decided to take him to starbucks and of course we were making so much noise an taking up so much space with his stroller....so this lady came in a squeezed beside us and whipped out her laptop and i couldnt help but be curious what she could possible be writing about and just like me she was writing some sort of blog. Just as i peeked at her page she was writing about how Huck was screaming behind her... HAHAHA. I kinda thought her to be nuts then realized I do the exact same thing. haha... I love spying on people. it's just so candid and thats when you discover the most about human beings. I believe we all think feel and do the same things, what separates us is what we choose to reveal about ourselves. Our confidence, our preferences and our perspectives are different on the outside but at the end of the day we are all cut from the same cloth and have the same makings of a human being. 

I guess this post as no meaning other than to say I wish my rent would be paid and I need a cool idea for an album cover. 

Oh...and I am going to do vocals tonight in Williamsburg and if I don't make it back alive I want to donate my body to a medical research facility and I want to donate my eyes to a blind person. I also want someone to be in charge of hiring Will Pharrell to sing "dust in the wind" at my funeral. If you can't afford to hire Will I'm sure Tom Green will do it at a low price. 

oh and please tell my Mom it honestly was not me who drank all the Baileys last christmas... that's been hovering over me since the accusation.

thanks eh!

Jena

an afterthought for those who like afterthoughts

on my walk home today I started thinking about relationships and how most of us are thwarted by our subconscious tendency to want what we do not or seemingly cannot have. This is common sense that I realize everyone has already caught on to but when examining that theory I started to realize just how feeble-minded and callow that notion is. I am as guilty as the next for brushing off the soft-hearted adoring ones. I get this massive urge to push myself as far away as possible from their affection. I feel smothered and bound... as though I am required to return the feelings. I hate the thought of someone relying on me to make them feel good. I am saying all this because it's important to mention my understanding of this. I feel as though the person who does not take an interest in me is hiding something brilliant. I convince myself that they must have some genius qualities that only a select few could decipher. A challenge, a feat... that more often than not is conquered and chock-full of disappointment. 

Think of it this way. Confidence in oneself is the knowledge that you have worth, pride and a like for yourself.  Anyone who ends up romantically bound to you is lucky right? WELL, knowing this, shouldnt we have nothing but respect for those who admire and adore for having the astute wisdom to notice our value? We shouldn't try and push those people away...we should commend them for recognizing our good qualities and thank them for singling us out in a world full of millions upon millions of people. 

Sure, sometimes it can be irritating to have to respond to someone you have absolutely no interest in talking to, but consider that person brilliant for noticing you and take the time to cordially express your appreciation. That's not to mean you should feel required to reciprocate, but at least have the common decency to thank them for their regard. THEY LIKE YOU... YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT! Let's face it... there are tens of thousands of amazing people roaming this earth... 1/4 or 1/4 of 1/4 of 1/4 of 1/4 of 1/16th of that population is going to be interested in you... revel in it!  I guess this is me rambling a little but I just can't believe the way people conduct themselves sometimes. So selfish and caught up in their own desires and needs that they forget to extend a little gratitude to those who take time out of their day to think about them! There's no excuse to leave letters unanswered or plans unaddressed. It's mean. Plain and simple. That's not to say there are not going to be contributing factors... it's inevitable some will be jaded by their past or afraid of their future or completely confused and fucked up in their present but the people who have no interest in you aren't going to be the ones to remedy that RIGHT?

The worst part about it is that almost every single time I happen to take and interest in someone its all dreamt up. There's rarely any authenticity behind my infatuation...but I never realize it until it's either too late and I already look pathetic and obsessed or the until the other party turns the leaf over and starts feeling something back. thats when I RUN! haha. So here I am sacrificing my dignity emailing and text msging some ass for the 7th time in a row stuck in complete unjustified captivation when really its an act of boredom. I'm generally driven by the challenge not the reward! I happen to know for a fact if such a person were to turn around and start showing an equal interest in me I would laugh and turn on my heels... 

we all feign an interest in something to impress someone

we all like someone for superficial reasons

we all wonder if there's something better

we all think about someone we like 22 hours a day... even when sleeping

we all picture ourselves having a future with someone we hardly know

we all want someone back if they don't beg us to stay or if they move on quickly

we all want someone to like us even if we don't like them... but from a distance

we all like a challenge but never realize it's probably a sexual conquest rather than romantic

we all want the jerk until his nice soft-spoken best friend reveals his humanitarian work

we all worry what we look like in a crowd

we all scan the room and bee line towards the best looking person

we all wait 6 hours to reply to a text msg to seem busy

we all use the excuse 'sorry I was busy' even if napped then played brick breaker for 5 stright hours

we all sacrifice our pride to try and prove we're actually cool and only end up with less pride

we all get lonely and wonder if our ex's were really as good as it gets. 

we all have fake conversations in our heads over what we might say if we bump into him or her

we all dwell on our losses as though we'll never ever find someone quite like that again..HAH!

we all wonder what it would be like to sleep with Jason Shawrtzman

we all drink chocolate milk too fast

we all say no when in a foreign household and offered food even when we're actually starving

we all look awkward while trying not to look awkward when walking somewhere alone 

we all have used a word that sounded good but internally panicked that it may have not made sense

we all get embarrassed if we have to cough in a quiet room

we all have woken up on a Sunday morning and prayed it was all just a bad dream...

we all pretend to read something or text msg someone when waiting alone in a public place

we all try to impress via facebook status

we all pretend we hate facebook 

we all pose naked in front of the mirror then panic that someone is watching even when we are alone

we all have had to brush our teeth with our index finger

we all think this list is unnecessarily long but read it all anyways out of sheer boredom

Saint Simon

Lately I find myself a little obsessed with the Shins 'Saint Simon'... what a quality song. The shins video for Saint Simon was shot in Mexico during Monarch butterfly mating season...worth a watch! Kissing the Lipless all together is a quality album. I doubt the shins can do anything wrong. They take metaphors and word play to a new level. Their use of lyrics is extremely impressive. Eccentric, melodic and pure rhythmic gold. So that's what I am listening to right now while I try and block out the incessant hiss of my steam heater. It both puts me to sleep and wakes me up. I'm not sure if I want to hug it or kick the shit out of it. I'll do both!

I've been going crazy over trying to figure out an album cover. It represents my first attempt at a studio album and it's going to reflect my artistic integrity so it better be good. I have ideas flowing to my head but need to track downa photographer or digital designer! here are some wicked noteworthy covers by some of the greats!

 

1. Pink Floyd- Dark Side of the Moon
2. Pink Floyd- The Division Bell
3. Chemical Brothers- Push the Button

some other wicked ones are Wincing the night away by the Shins and Steely Dans 'Aja'! 

I found an archaic record store crowded with CD's from top to bottom. Mountains upon mountains. Truly an erratic assortment only the most unoccupied of people can have patience to sort through. I literally had to squeeze past one pile to the next and strategically move the top layers to get to the good stuff at the bottom. The owner, a short elder man clearly native to new york, stood behind his counter trying to impose on some of the browsers suggesting they invest in a used 2.00 flamenco CD. His voice slow and mellow with a touch of jersey in his speech. Even when I propelled my way through the compact disc blockade to his little nook he welcomed me with a "ya like flamenco young lady"! I was polite in turning his kind offer down. I had to peek through piles of CD's 5 feet tall just to see him. The place was literally teeming with albums. I purchased "Lady Coissant" one of Sia's older live albums. Arctic Monkeys, New Order and some other random CD I can't seem to get my laptop to recognize. It was 2.00 so I think i'll just take it as a minimal loss. It had great packaging!

I slept at Jessica's last night so I could be up early to watch the babies while she did some things around town. I changed 4 diapers, gagged 56 times and picked up 2 tons of chewed pasta off the kitchen floor. Eventful morning. They are twins and only 14 months old so it's hard work but they are irresistibly adorable in personality so I didn't mind. Jess and Larry are both really amazing people. They own a very reputable photo production company here in NY so they are at no shortage of interesting stories and information on art and fashion. Their apartment has some awesome art and tons of valuable books. They work along side the most famous photographers in the world. i'm talking rolling stones covers here...THEY DO EM'! I am lucky to have them as a reference when I am in need of creativity or even fashion advice ha ha.

As for the rest of my day... I took the west side train home... ended up lost so decided to just start walking rather than hopping on some random train... while juggling my bags I spilt more chai latte on my winter coat than I actually consumed...I hit up the grocery store... thought about Jason Shawrtzman then came back to my apartment...put on jogging pants and cooked myself dinner. I really need to get a job before I get used to this freedom. 

I am supposed to go to Williamsburg tomorrow to do some scratch vocals for a guy I have been talking to. He sent me all the material and details on whats to transpire but I will say I am a tad reluctant to go alone. It's a commercial studio and he said I can bring anyone I want along...plus he's got tons of info online about himself, but still... I have to remember what kind of world we live in. I am going to try and get someone to tag along. It's 20$ an hour so I can't really refuse that!   Plus I want to see Williamsburg...I hear its comparable to the EV. Am I getting boring? I think I like typing blogs like this because it's as though I am talking to the ultimate friend. I can talk forever uninterrupted.

I was at a club in lower east side/ soho saturday night and as I looked around and watched the room fill with people I couldn't help but say out loud "I f**king LOVE new york". I truly do.   The culture, the unconventional people, the taxi's that honk at everything at moves, the weird murals on the wall that no 1 artist can claim, the awkward foreign servers in small thai restaurants, the fire escapes that look

 more dangerous than an actual fire and the buskers in the subways who offer directions at the small price of a dollar. I consume it all into my mind as though I am walking through a movie. I see street names and recognize them in songs. Mostly anything written by Adam Duritz really.

One day at a time I hack away at my life trying to shape it into something I can live with. ;)

Jason Shawartzman, and Craig lives in Calgary!

I think I love Jason Schwartzman. Now I know I know nothing about him but I think I love him. Its a habit of mine to develop weird fascinations with people I know absolutely nothing about. It's not often a celebrity, sometimes it's the guy at the ticket booth but there really is no rhyme or reason to my haphazard selection in lust. I rarely feel romantic towards anyone so when I think I might have found someone with the potential to rouse and impress me I get anxious to explore the possibilities. I get way ahead of myself most times and end up coming off as an imbecile. Half the time I come out on the other end wondering what the hell I saw in that person in the first place. If I ever met Jason Schwartzman in person I would probably say something stupid because I think I love him even though I know I don't love him. oh how my mind stumbles sometimes. 

I find it funny how attraction works. I can look at two people from across a room and  inherently know which one I would be more compatible with. Without a word being spoken! I probably don't stand alone in this prowess... and I can safely chalk my loneliness up to this state of mind. Not to say I am always lonely as I have tons of amazing friends a great family and lots to be thankful for but I reckon I might never experience an affair of the heart. I will die alone. Men bore me. Unless its Jason Schawartzman. 

I went to an Aussie bar last night a few blocks away from my place and got well oiled for a small price. 20 dollars all you can drink for 2 hours. Its my new fave watering hole but I certainly think it wise to leave my 20's at home...lets just say it felt like college all over again hugging my toilet bowl in a dress and high heels. I woke up feeling great... that is most important. The best part of the night was telling the bartender I was famous and making him feel foolish for not recognizing me. I got free shots, a bunch of stares and a phone number out of it all. I wonder if i'll have to come clean when I go back? After all, I will be famous one day so it's an innocent lie.

I also woke up and called Telus to bitch about my phone bill. See, I admit...it's all my fault the bill was so high, I used my phone out of the country which is stupid and I knew full well I should have called much earlier... but the trick is... don't let Telus know this. I somehow managed to convince them that it was their fault and my bill is being cut in half. I love words. I can mix them out and spit them out so perfectly sometimes. Just like that I saved myself from a considerable loss to some silly phone company. The guy on the phone was dumbstruck. I was nice about it too... thats the clencher, everyone comes out unscathed.  I think he was new on the job because he started talking to me as though he was my next door neighbor giving me traveling advice and updating me on the american phone companies with the best service. I know he lives in Calgary. Last time I checked I thought it was disclosed information to tell the customer where you live? Whatever, Thanks for the undeserved discount Craig... have fun snowboarding this weekend.

As for me...I am just sitting in my room listening to the hustle and bustle of new york out my windowing wondering what it is that makes the world spin? maybe one day we'll discover this giant finer tip piercing the earth? For now... i'm going to embrace gravity and enjoy the warmth of my shower. I'm certainly not going to enjoy the pressure...takes me half an hour to get all the soap out of my hair. I should start collecting the water in pots so i can just dump it on my head on the days im short for time....

im rambling...

off to ikea.... Jason Shwartzman for president!

rem sleep

once a night owl unable to visit REM sleep until the wee hours of the night, now just a tired city girl unable to keep her eyes open past 10 pm. I dont know if its because of everything that has been going on around me but every single night since ive been here I have gone to bed before 12:00... including the two nights I went out downtown. I blame the rush of it all...but shouldnt that excite me? I am just so TIRED!

I am going out tomorrow night on the town so here's to hoping i'll catch some energy back. 

In my defense i was up quite early today to babysit for Liz again. I got up at 7:30...met her at her place at 9:30 and took Huck (the youngest...1 1/2) out while she took a conference call etc...

Huck and I went to starbucks where he slept and i surfed. Once he woke up I kept him entertained to pass the time. he is such a good baby... all 3 kids are so easy to take care of...i almost look forward to seeing them. They are adorable...liz is really great too... I baby sat for people in the city before and made a vow to myself NEVER to subject myself to that sort of torture again but with Liz it's different. it's doing it for a friend.

Jess also hooked me up big time the other day! She owns a major fashion photography business and works with all the celebs and famous photographers so she has some MAJOR pull in the industry. I told her i needed a little photo shoot for my album cover/press package and she was on the phone right away. Just like that I am being hooked up. I love her. She bails my ass out in a big way and when I strike gold I'm going to buy her the biggest house montauk can accommodate. 

i need to get a phone...need to get a real job and I need to make sure everything is okay with my apartment back home. I panic a lot about that... but I do think it should be okay. A sublet is a sublet...i can argue my way out of everything!

Im getting along with roomie...shes cool... knocked the shower curtain down... still have not unpacked and have not heard from Eric much about the album...

hmmmm....what else.... what else.... I guess i'm just waiting on the world to change...

T.V dinners

I literally sat in my apartment all day and watched consecutive episodes of "The Office". I couldn't stop laughing...and you know what they say; laughter is the best medicine.

Hung out with Jessica all day yesterday... went shopping in nearly every borough of the city. Bought a Calypso dress for a tiny FRACTION of its original price... then I went to Rathbone's and enjoyed 2 for 1 Tuesdays. Literally every meal and every beer is 2 for the price of one. It's insanity. Any guy on a tight budget would be brilliant to take a first date there then offer to pay... if she tries to see the bill he could just act coy and hide it as though the number is irrelevant to the wonderful evening he had... haha... when really... HE ISNT PAYING A RED CENT FOR HER MEAL... tricky... or cheap.....fine line ;)

anyyyyways... its a rainy wet day here in Manhattan and I have to get up at 7:30 am tomorrow to go to Liz's and help her out. Then I have to take care of some business... so i'm getting as many episodes in while I can of the office... also reading the village voice online... and eating a microwavable dinner. You know, the entire time i went to college and lived in Ottawa I dont think i ever once bought a T.V dinner of any sort... but for some reason since being here i cant resist the convenience of it... hahahhaahhaha.... am i a slob or WHAT?

its 5:09 and extremely dark outside. Episode 9: The christmas party. HILARIOUS! 

JeNoah

I have the feeling that where I am sitting right now may just become my ritualistic congenial place of blogging. It's called "The Bean" and it is located on 3rd st and 1st in the East Village a few blocks away from my dwelling place. I remember coming here last year on Thanks Giving. Of all the dozens of stores and restaurants I trampled through last year this place sticks out because it was a very desolate day in the city for me. Everyone was in their homes enjoying turkey and laughter around an ornamented table sipping Clamato and gossiping about whos cheating who, while I was sitting in this little coffee shop writing in my journal. I can't discredit the entire day because in the afternoon it was warm and I sat out on a cafe patio and had turkey dinner to the silence of the west village but as night fell i relied on coffee and the soft cushioning here in The Bean to comfort me. Now i'm back and this place is packed... I love seeing all the interesting people come in and out. There's so many inhabitants doing the same thing that its hard to really be alone in New York although its not hard to FEEL alone. I almost wanted to give up my first few days here. I envisioned myself typing news casts and working for CFRA back home. Maybe I could become a journalist for some quasi popular magazine like Flare reporting the tribulations of unrequited love. I know a lot about that. I went back to Canada for an entire year and had no luck meeting anyone who could either persuade me to care about them or allow me to persuade them to care about me. I fabricated a few infatuations and fell into lust over the IDEA of what some people could POSSIBLY be but looking back now I realize how foolish that was. I think boredom had a lot to do with it. I was living in a city where the population went something like 1,234,567 girls and 156 boys. It was not unfair for me to take the most attractive of them all and manipulate who he was in my head to appease my weariness.  I always laugh at myself at the end of the day so thats a good sign.

I'm really glad I met Giles because he is a good person and I think we have tons in common so we will likely get ourselves in some serious trouble as our friendship progresses. I also like hearing him say pink shirt in his metro sexual english accent. (im kidding G)

Off to Liz's place tonight to look after the kids and possibly go visit Jess after. It will feel so nice to see them both. Familiarity is the softest of blankets! 

9:37- currently watching family guy at Liz's after 2 hours of what felt like the middle of a three ring circus. I had babies all around me demanding I give them an airplane ride 4 times in a row. Literally had them lining up like some carnival spin. Thank god I happen to have the energy in me today to put on a stellar baby sitting performance. Everything went well until the time came to get them all to sleep. I think my left ear withstood 45 straight minutes of crying. Incessant crying!

I felt like Noahs ark of babies... Misty hysterically called me Jenoah out of nowhere. SO FUNNY... worth the upload. Watch for the art on the wall in the background... it's alaskan...

took a cab ride home tonight and although he was being cordial he made the stupid mistake of instilling a fear inside me that will haunt me every time I walk home late at night. The genius asks me if I live on Ave C (where I told him to take me), I reply with a yes and he continues to go on about how 2 years ago he was told not to pick anyone up from there because it was a dangerous neighborhood. Gee, thanks for the news update Brian Williams....i'll be sure to write up my will before bed tonight..... like FRIG... what's this guy thinking telling a young girl that the odds of her getting home safe are stacked against her. I wanted to tell him his profession increases his risk of death by 65% but I don't think he would have understood what I was talking about. I just made small talk about speed versus time instead...

Sunday NOT day 4...(technically maybe)

I dont want to keep numbering the days because it will appear as though I have nothing else better to do but write about what it is I am or am not doing. It is technically day 4... but for me in not-so technical terms it is just another day in the beginning of days here in NY and soon I will actually be far too busy to maintain a sequential blog and I will resort to naming them according to subject rather than corresponding number. In prediction of that I have taken to naming todays blog "Sunday NOT day 4"!

Today I woke up fairly early for many reasons... one being the fact that I am an extremely light sleeper and manhattan bangs its gong at 6:45 every morning... two, I might just chalk my sleeplessness up to anxiety...which makes most sense to me...always had trouble with that... i just worry a lot about things that have not even happened...what a self-defeating thing to do huh... but I balance it out well with my equal part confidence ;) 

I spent another day with Giles today...what a great fellow... I'm irresponsibly adopting his english accent. Giles and I discussed many many things...from salt museums to the poor road structure of London England. We toured EV hitting up all the vintage shops...Tokio7 being me fave...they had Marni for 90$...not to mention MAYLE...my all time fave designer. I also found the same underground book store i went to last year on a whim. It has some amazing remnants including old news papers sections from 1969 (bought one) and the New York Post from September 12 2001. Not to mention Radio Head and R.E.M cd's for 6 dollars. To top the whole thing off I spotted a wicked book about Freud for beginners...had I listened or gave any of my teachers the attention they deserved in high school I would not be a beginner albeit they didn't know what they were talking about anyways. Most teachers are on automatic anyways and secretly dreaming up their next strike rather than elaborating beyond our text books. Thus why that book on Freud interested me.  Giles and I drove around awhile checking out the scene listening to some great music on his ipod. We ended up at my old place of work drinking 3$ pints of coors light. I went to bed quite early and am now satisfied with being awake at 8:30. 

I can't wait till my album is done. This is exciting! 

hope everyone back home is well. I miss you all so much. Margie is there with you in spirit (wink)...

Moaning

So yesterday I was a little distraught but I have woken up into a new state of mind. I assembled my futon all on my own...took the longest CLEANEST shower of my life in clear untainted water and I met my roomie for the first time. Turns out the water was temporarily out of order for reasons unknown, my futon is thankfully comfortable and Miranda is really nice. I jumped the gun and immediately panicked over adversities i created in my own head. Thats why my Album is titled "thoughts are things..." because anything i think up in my head becomes a reality. Perception is reality. I wake up every single day and choose how i am going to feel or behave. My attitude, reactions and decisions are all in my own hands...despite the interjections of society. Society is just a bunch of people living on the same land spewing out opinions...most of it having no merit. We're all afraid of the public eye but break the "public" down into single people one by one and ask yourself if you care what each one of them think. I am guilty myself of being somewhat insecure when placed in an unknown environment but when i really stop and look at the situation on a microscopic level we're all just people fighting for the same thing. We are all afraid of something...some just hide it better than others.  New York is congested with a melange of vibrant people...some weighed down by adversities, some afloat on pride, some simply banging out tunes on turned over buckets... at the end of the day all we need is love. Sounds really cheesy to say but when I look it over, being loved trumps every other feeling known to man. I doubt anyone can be in dispute with that.

I digress... let me get back to subject here.... my apartment is looking up... i just need to add some Jena touches to it and get some wicked art for the wall. The lack of pressure in the water makes for a long shower but now im just being finicky and spoiled. I need to put my apartment aside for awhile and focus on getting myself employed again. I have not gone this long without working in a very long time and its uncomfortable. 

Drinks last night were great. We went to a place called Revival...I was really nice inside and had the character of a bohemian lounge. We then skipped over to The Cafe...I recalled going there last winter with a friend and had a little laugh to myself over last years experiences. I don't even know how I made it out alive. I am glad that I can just pick back up where I left off with my friends as though I never left. That's how I know I choose good people to befriend. Takes me awhile to find them...and I definitely don't accept people in my life very quickly but once I get close i stay loyal. I'm like a cat a little huh...but i dont hiss... or spray a foul scent around my apartment in search of a mate. That could explain why i've always been single. I speak of needing love but have never found it for myself. I guess Mr. Right is just taking his time... which I don't mind because I need time to build myself a future and being independent allows me to focus solely on that goal. bla bla bla... i suppose I am getting boring...sometimes I question even posting these musings... but I always do because people skim anyways... i'll start being less serious and more funny once i wash off all the brown stuff from yesterdays shower and get myself a warm blanket...  tomorrows blog will be colored with more humor and less moaning... (thats the sad story of my life these days...less moaning...unfortunately)

going to go wander my block and see if i can get myself some art. East Village is awesome for quirky gadgets and cool shops... 

be back ce soir...

12:37 p.m...As early as it is to be indoors at 12:40 at night on a Saturday I must say my average stroll around the block turned into something much more exciting. 

I decided after much wandering to go into a little corner store and get myself a beverage. Thats when i met me mate Giles. We started chatting over the domination of Snapples over every other beverage brand. I laughed and we ended up having a coffee at this really cool cafe on the corner. Next thing you know were eating Thai food in Greenwhich village, drinking Thai beer and talking about the poor over dubs on the censored version of Braveheart...(giles I know your reading this and likely laughing...babies on minibikes smoking cigarettes and massaging their mustaches might strike a chord right about now) so we had a few drinks... laughed over the trouble we gave our parents as children and I am happy to say I made a new friend. A very good one as we both shook hands on a future promise to engage in hallucinogens. I am now at home having cut the night off early to catch up on some things with my apartment. Aside from the yelling in the streets and the fact that my roomie thinks 7 a.m. is a good time to clean the kitchen, I think i might get  a good sleep tonight! 

Turrah! 

Day 2- Wanderlust

despite the fact that dirty water is coming out of the faucet and I cant seem to get the shower to work, today is turning out to be a little better than yesterday. I've unchained myself from all the dismal thoughts i was having and have instead replaced those thoughts with possible solutions. Because my sleep last night was one I never want to experience again I paraded around the east village for hours checking out all the cool shops and praying for a store that can can sell me better sleeping arrangement. Of all stores I ended up in K-Mart and am currently awaiting the delivery of a brand new futon. Thank GOD! I am shuttling to Ikea tomorrow but could not possibly DREAM of sleeping on that chair pad again. (pun intended). 16 blocks deep i could not find a store that sold bedding. I could easily locate a casket (saw a bunch of funeral homes) or another banana (see Day 1.) but bedding is seemingly more difficult. I instead bought a nice throw to tide me over until my ikea excursion tomorrow. i'll sleep in my winter jacket if i have to.

Wandering the blocks today I got excited. I'm getting familiar with the streets and the venues... comfort sets in right after. I already saw this amazing eco-friendly furniture retailer I'm excited to go check out. Always been a sucker for anything constructed out of bamboo or metal...and eco friendly is an added bonus. Soon to be a necessity if we don't smarten up!

i just want to shower. I took a bath in beige water today and the whole experience felt futile. I can't skip showering...so right now I am just WAITING for my roomie to arrive and EXPLAIN this tribulation. I have not even met her yet and I am already prompt and ready to go postal on her. maybe my new years resolution should revolve around learning how to NOT lose my cool. Then I can't blow up when she walks in... after all... a resolution has to be good for the first week MINIMUM! a tacit rule...

The personality I have is one of determination. If something is going wrong and is able to be fixed I waste no time. This apartment is all wrong so far so I have taken the liberty of posting an ad on craigslist to find someone ELSE to bathe in brown water for $1000/month. I posted it last night but in the wrong category so I reposted it and sure enough within 20 minutes I have 3 e-mails in my inbox. If I should decide to stay i can at least take comfort in knowing i can find a replacement no problem. I know its probably not very nice of me but I think I should have been pre-informed that I may be subjected to bathing in the local water fountain for the next 6 months. Call me crazy but dirty bathing water is a factor that my have deterred me from taking this apartment. I'm not a bird, people don't put fresh bath water in their backyards for me.

up to 7 emails... wow ... people are really put out around here. 

Tonight I am going for drinks with a friend and hopefully my mind will stop for a few hours so i can focus on getting alcohol into my system. I complain too much! If my futon gets here on time i'll have something to be happy about...and booze... i am happy about the coming of alcohol!

Cheers!

Day 1

Day 1...

Moms are always right. that is an unassailable fact! They have this paranormal sense of right and wrong...a 6th sense, where they can literally predict the future. My Mom told me I should get to bed early the night before my flight despite the fact that my flight happens to be New Years Day. (happy new years)...It's as though she knew for certain something would go awry. I didn't listen, partied like it was new years eve and needless to say I am sitting in the washington DC airport on an empty turning stomach dreading the moment I am called to board the connecting flight...I don't enjoy flying... And wow...just as i typed those very words a lovely woman has directed all new york bound passengers to board...thats me :)
here I go...

1:45 p.m...I made it...currently in new york after a nice mellow landing. Balanced all 50 tons of my baggage on my shoulders and took a 45 $ cab to my apartment. With the exchange i probably ended up paying the man 145$. My mother would cry if she saw me right now. I am not particularly gifted in the "written illustration" department but i think i can probably paint the picture in a few easy sentences. Basically, I'm sitting in a 95% empty bedroom in a very small unattractive apartment. I have no bed so have instead laid down a tiny mattress to take me through the night. I am curled up in the corner in jogging pants and a sweater (hood up), basking in the glow of my laptop. I have nothing but clothes, shoes and a towel for a pillow. I didn't consider that today is new years day and nearly ALL the stores are closed. Thank god I am exhausted enough to sleep standing up otherwise i don't think I could make it through the night like this. It's such contrary living quarters in comparison to that of Ottawa. I took my adorable apartment for granted. that's here nor there. I should be excited... I landed in New York and literally shoveled food in my mouth the moment i stepped off the United Express. I bought some mexican salad from the airport in Washington on a whim but didn't have time or a fork to eat it with so by the time i finally made it to JFK my stomach was so empty i put off baggage claim and mowed down like a hawk on a carcass. I didn't eat much of it because it was absolutely disgusting compared to the delicious home cooked meal my girlfriends and i ate the night before (thanks Casey) but this is my life now. No more bed of roses. Nothing in new york is as glamorous as everyone is led to believe. This city is cold hard living. Lots of run down buildings, garbage and unusual inhabitants. My block looks as though it had all the character rung out of it like water out of a wet towel. it's not a very pretty street and I dont see myself using the elevator on a regular basis...it's a death wish! When I pulled up to 629 there was a man and a lady rummaging through the garbage on either side of my door step..lot of introspection started happening and a flow to my tear ducts that felt almost impossible to head. I cried the moment i sat down in my apartment and my traveling came to a an official stop. Perturbed at the sight of the place and lack of familiarity I started text msging and calling everyone I knew back home to feel connected to myself again, if only for a moment. I looked around and panicked...I started actually talking to myself. "Your fine Jena... you'll be okay...get it together...at least your not the one rummaging through the garbage....just think MUSIC...is only music now". Little personal pep talk. Am I crazy?
I didnt know what to do or where to go once my bags were off my shoulder so I hopped in a cab and did the only thing that seemed logical (seemed=keyword)... i headed towards Jessicas apartment. Uptown for me is like that little warm patch of water you sometimes find in an ice cold pool. It's warming and familiar and right now that is what i crave most. Unfortnately Jessica is out of the country (and i knew this days ago but denied it at first) so I redirected my cab to port authority. 25 dollars later i found myself in times square buying a metro card. I know the only way to learn my routes again is to toss myself on a train and figure it out by force. I consulted my memory, got on the 6 train headed downtown... Astor place came, I got off...wandered the neighborhood... bought a cappucino for no reason and then unthinkingly went in a deli and bought a banana. After all I had not eaten since the unappealing salad...i was STARVING. I never think rationally when i'm strained and in a state. my thoughts all collide and make mush. I ate half the banana and realized i dont even really like bananas. I am hungry as i sit here... but for now i just want sleep. I discovered some cool shops and restaurants that i am excited to go to tomorrow. Hopefully i can get some things for this barren room. A few deep breaths and a good nights sleep and i think i'll be okay. After all this is day 1 and day 1 away from home is always the hardest. Tomorrow I will rise with new ambition,new ideas and hopefully a new mattress. I see movies.net is playing 7 pounds... I will watch it and pray for sleep. This mattress is hard and i'm FREEZING...Let the adventure begin!