i got the CHOP

I got rejected from entering the United States last night. I am doing all I can not to fall apart. It is times like these that really test my ability to persevere.  I honestly did not expect something like this to happen to me. I was far too confident and naive and I ended up paying the royal price for it. Not only am I stuck in Canada with all my belongings in New York, I am now no longer allowed into the united states without filing for a waiver which costs 595 $ and takes 160 days to process for approval. I am a complete mess over this. I have so many friends in New York. I made myself a happy life there over the last little while and the entire empire is now crashing down before me. It is all so far out of my control too. I simply CANNOT go back. All I have left is my memories and all this electronic communication. I hate electronic communication although I almost love it just the same. It keeps me in touch, but in touch on such a cold almost anonymous level. All of a sudden I am identifying people by Times New Roman or Comic Sans. Its sad.

I cant argue the situation either, which I am by and large pretty good at. I am wholly responsible for my unlawful conduct within the united states and my artless ruse on the Government now has the walls of my circus tent caving in.

EFF

My next move is to surf the couches of Ottawa for awhile until I get my belongings back from NYC. From there I supposed Ill move to Toronto. I just do not see a better option. 

Its all about the music. Lest I forget the music, the HOLY GRAIL. Bane of my existence all the same. Why couldnt I be passionate about something that actually feels attainable.

DAMN

back out into the wilderness to chop down trees of a different soil...

-Munn

i knowww i knowww.. this drags on

I realize weeks have gone by with nary a new post but I have been busy with work and play and have not found myself in much of a blogging mood really. There has been so much going on in my life here in New York and I am so lucky for these moments. Despite the worry and constant anxiety I love my life and I try to remind myself of that in moments when I might overlook my fortune. It is easy to slip into selfishness and greed and i have been known to seek for more when more is not needed but these days I am learning to savor each minute in each hour. Sounds cheesy but its actually an important lesson. I am working like dog at my job and have not been working on my music much but this Friday I am scheduled to meet with a guitar player and if all goes well we will start a project of our own. I really just want to play shows here in the city. That is what I am itching to do! I have been spending many weekends with Giles and some other friends I have made here in the city. We frequent Bua which is a bar on St.Marks a few blocks from my place. It seems that every time I go there I see a handful of people I know so its always a good time and as summer approaches the outdoor patio will serve its purpose well. We had a week of constant sun and it felt amazing drinking my corona with the rays on my face. I also got to go to the beach last weekend on long island. My boss has a beach house on the ocean and it was absolutely fucking beautiful. A bunch of us drove out there and played football, volleyball and had a big BBQ and bonfire. I could not have designed the day better myself. Fuck I am lucky. I live in the coolest neighborhood I made some amazing friends and I actually have a job I do not mind going to. I am SO lucky!

I am going to Miami to meet up with Danielle and Katie and when I see them I am going to hug them with an unrelenting grip. I miss them so much and CANNOT wait to be with them on the beach. I wish all my friends from Canada could come but I am going home the weekend after so no one will be able to escape my desire to BEAR HUG them! My little Brit Brit is going to get it the worst because I don't think I hugged her enough in our lifetime as best friends so Ill have to combine all the hugs we never had into one giant choke hold!  As for my mom... lets just say i'll hug her till shes blue in the face... :)

I have also been listening to KEXP and John in the morning from 9-12 every morning and it is amazing for discovering new music. I love the radio station and it actually streams online so for those of you who LOVE music the way I do and can appreciate a good source go to www.kexp.org and listen in on the morning show. Its mind blowing how much this DJ knows about music and there is an entire world of music to be discovered with the help of his morning show.

I am anxious to check out some cool exhibits happening this summer. Will blog if one is cool enough. Maybe even take some pictures. I do not take enough pictures but that has a lot to do with insecurity. I fear being pegged as a tourist so I avoid any illusions. I keep my camera tucked away... but i don't want to be a victim of my fear anymore haha... more pictures will be taken.

I watched Donnie Darko for the first time and LOVED it! I need a Donnie Darko in my life!

I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and spent A LOT of time with him as he lives on the same street but things sort of spiraled out and we are slowly fading. He just is not the person for me but its fun having someone so I hung on to it until everything just got too frustrating for the two of us. I am not ruling out the idea of just being very casual but I have just never been good at that. I get too attached too quickly. I was VERY lucky in my first romance and had an amazing boyfriend who treated me extraordinarily well so I only have that to compare other men to. I want to learn to be comfortable alone. I think I am pretty much there but I do admit I am anxious to fall into an infatuation. I love the feeling of wanting someone and having them around. Hardly ever happens because I have set my standards unreasonably high... but this is a massive city and I never know what to expect. I actually stopped expecting anything because expectations consistently lead to let downs. 

I am digressing huh?

let me just say AGAIN that I am SO lucky. I miss everyone and am anxious to return to canadian soil for a visit in a few weeks. I never visit long enough.

hope everyone else is feeling lucky in their lives like I am and if you arent it is simply because you are missing the point. Step out of yourself...float above your existance and look down on it with a discerning eye :)

tomorrow i'll feel like shit and be ungrateful again but for now this is great. I always feel elated when i'm hung over. It does not make much sense....

KEEP IT REAL! hah! x0